People just don’t get it!

Seriously, I am so pissed off with labels right now. Yeah I’ve said I’m an atheist, an agnostic, a pagan, and a bisexual. Yet, none of those seem to fit exactly. The reason I am bringing this up is because something pissed me off lately and made me super uncomfortable.

I have this really good friend, who is married who got really drunk. (I think she has a serious problem, actually) Yeah, we have joked around and flirted a bit but I guess I must have led her on or something. This mind you was before we were close friends…Once you get to that close friend point, you’re just not attracted to them. That’s not even the point though, I was never even attracted in the first place. I was just joking around and I thought she was too.

For one I am married, and I made the mistake of saying yeah, I’m married but I am bisexual. (Which is not exactly true because I am attracted to more men than women 100 to one. I can name a couple of chicks I’ve thought were cute but zillions of guys.) Anyways, the negative thing is when you say you are bi people think that regardless of your relationship status, that “hey your looking for something else on the side, you know because you’re with a man and that alone can’t satisfy you.” Totally WRONG!!!!

Why can’t people grasp that people can be bisexual and monogamous? Regardless of what sex you happen to be in a relationship with, it doesn’t mean you need the other to feel complete. An example from Hollywood that pisses me off: “Anne Heche, people say, Oh she was a lesbian and now she’s married because it wasn’t cool.” Yes, someone said that. To which I said, “Did you ever think Anne Heche, was in love with Ellen, because she was in love with the person, it didn’t work out and the next person she fell in love with was a man because she is obviously either bisexual or pansexual.

For those who don’t know what a pansexual is, that would be the closest thing to what I consider myself. However, it also has a negative connotation. What it means to me is you fall in love with a person not their genitals. So if Adam was in the body of a woman I would still want him as a life partner, when I explain it that way even the most homophobic jackasses somehow get it.

Courtesy of Wikipedia, here’s the technical definition of pansexual:

Pansexuality, or omnisexuality[1] is a sexual orientation characterized by the potential for aesthetic attraction, romantic love, or sexual desire for people, regardless of their gender identity or biological sex. Some pansexuals suggest that they are gender-blind; that gender and sex are insignificant or irrelevant in determining whether they will be sexually attracted to others.[2] For others, an individual’s sex, gender expression, or gender identity can be a key factor of attraction, despite the pansexual individual’s wide range of sex and gender attractions.

Now I am not particularly attracted sexually to transexuals so that is why I don’t use that term, and opted for Bi, because most people don’t know what it means. Also, my bisexuality/pansexuality has done nothing but enhance my monogamous heterosexual sex, so I just think my sexuality is fluid and open-minded.

Anyways, my friend thought it was cool to ask me if I’d consider sleeping with her, yes she was drunk off her ass, but still, if her HUSBAND did that there would have been some punches flying. I guess I know now that saying your Bi gives some people ideas. I think she needs to go to Vegas with her husband and hook up a threesome, because I am not into sharing, I don’t want to fuck my friends or anyone but my husband. If I was single, I wouldn’t date her which I told her because I wouldn’t trust her in a romantic relationship, plus I’m more likely to go for a guy with some very very rare exceptions.

I strongly believe in the Kinsey Scale, but damn. I will just shut the fuck up around her. She is bisexual which is cool as long as I’m not part of her fantasies. It’s yucky when your friends want you. It’s just a weird weird feeling.

Rant Over.

Doing better, but…

Here’s  a list of places I don’t go alone anymore.

The gym- because I hate the smell, the types of people that go there and the last time I was there I was barricaded in by four jocks and almost trampled.  I now do cardio-kickboxing by myself in the privacy of my own home.  This is one shred of agoraphbobia I will allow myself to never give up.

Places I have gone alone.

To school, not panic free though my art instructor is an arrogant panic attack inducing ass. Political Science is going well.  It’s a good thing I don’t need art class to graduate.  Tomorrow I have to go draw a naked man.  Men’s bodies are ugly.  I don’t want to see or smell some stranger’s nasty penis and balls. Yuck.  I’m taking Dr. X tomorrow.  I don’t want an “F” to bring down my 4.0 to a 3.0.  and that’s the only fucking reason I am going. I will never take a class for “fun” again.  Fun it is definitely not.  I hate charcoal and the pretentiousness that is prevalent among many artists and art instructors.

I can’t wait until I can study sociology and peace studies at the University but I’m terrified of going to a big University.  I may need more help at that time.  Agoraphobia sucks.  I’ve been meaning to try going to the store by myself but not on a Sunday.  I am on Klonopin now and it seems to help, but I can’t seem to get myself going places alone still, except for class.  At least that is one accomplishment, I would like to thank Dr. K for that and Dr. X helps if the attacks occur.  Although I don’t need Dr. X half as much as I did before.  Yeah!!!

The Perils of a Godless Liberal

I am so sick of capitalist pigs who worship the god of money under the guise of their false theism. Especially people that hide under the false pretense of non-profit status with for profit motiffs. I am sick of answering to the shadow government for all my actions- corporations! They own the country. The people need to take the power back. I take this seriously because I get in trouble if I don’t bow down to the Capitalist pigs and do what they say. My job is to protect the consumer, not to serve the agenda of false promise. (money, power, greed, etc.) I don’t want to take it in the ass. I refuse to. I will not ever kiss corporate ass, that is what is wrong with this world. Fuck corporations. Fuck them so hard. Where is my motherfucking bail out? They have no rights to profits. I hope they all go under.

We need to have power to the people, not the corporate slime. Throw them all in jail, throw away the key. Let them fuck each other in every orifice, as they jump up at hundred dollar bills trying to reach the top. Let them kill each other trying. Corporations can all go fuck themselves.
And I am the one with no morals? Seriously I am just so sick of Repukelicans and theists, and sick of hearing God Bless America. What about just living life in peace? I’m just sick of this world sometimes. Their god is paper and for them god grows on trees. His eyes are on every corner. Fuck the G of the E.

Seriously what is the big deal?

Why is everyone switching to facebook from myspace? I really am not too keen on it. It seems like a big ol’ high school reunion. I know some of my friends on myspace I went to high school with but very few. I really have no interest in reconnecting with people other than the ones I have already reconnected with or maintained contact with.

It’s not that high school was bad. It’s just that I am so different now, and in some ways still the same. Perhaps it is because I will just never move back to my hometown ever again. It just doesn’t and never has felt like home for me. I was not meant to live where it snows. I just don’t see the point in reconnecting.

I will probably have nothing in common with most people. Yes, I’m married but I am not living the typical life script. I just kind of view the past as the past….I’m doing well. I hope everyone else is too, but I just have nothing to say. What is there to talk about? Memories?

I also have a lot of problems others don’t have. Perhaps the fact that my childhood was painful, not because of school but because of my parents and their constant fighting. As a result, I don’t like to think about the time before I met my husband.

Most people other than my 2 best friends, know nothing or were oblivious to my psychological abuse and my dad’s illness. I love my dad very much. He is the most generous kind hearted person I know. He has problems though. (so do I.) He should have never been married to my mom. She was never nurturing to anyone. Thus, fighting ensued.

Now, I am an agoraphobic mess. Agoraphobic the word itself sounds crazy. I have nicknamed it “Selfish Baby Disorder.” It prevents me from living my life to the fullest and from going anywhere alone except for work (Darwinian survivial mode wins over agoraphobia with much trepidation.) or the gym. (the fear of being obese or getting diabetes wins over agoraphobia but not without further problems.) I can also go other places with Adam, Heather, Jared, Nikki (when she comes to visit) or Clint (if he comes to visit ever.) These are my “safe” people right now.

I can’t even go to the grocery store alone without having a panic attack! I am so fearful when Adam goes to SFO! Thoughts race through my head and I am just petrified into a constant state of panic.

Selfish Big Baby Disorder

I never knew there was anything abnormal about my behavior. I thought it was just a personality quirk. Apparently I am agoraphobic. It is hard to say, it makes me sound so incredibly crazy.

I don’t go out alone, unless it is to places I am familiar with like the work or the gym. At the gym though, I often leave before I would like to because it is just too crowded. I hate crowds. Crowds make people look like bugs swarming from all directions. It makes me really dizzy. I feel like people are always trying to walk right into me.

I also am terrified of being home alone. I loathe shopping and get really dizzy and disoriented most of the time when I go with my husband or another trusted friend. I enjoy going out to eat and going on vacations, but not ever alone. I don’t do anything alone except work or the gym. Sometimes I will ride my bicycle in my neigborhood around the lake. That is about it…..

Now my husband is going on a business trip to San Franscisco. Not only am I jealous because I love San Franscisco, but I am terrified because that means I will be home all alone. My best friend is supposed to come visit for a few days, but I don’t know if I can handle the last few days by myself.

I am absolutely terrified of someone breaking into the house. I am afraid of dying in my sleep because I took accidentally too many pills to sleep. (For insomnia) I am afraid of the dark. This house is too big for me all by myself. What would I do without Adam?

I would drink every single night. I would smoke weed to take my mind off being alone. I would never be sober. That is how my life was the one time I lived alone for 5 months.

I always thought agoraphobia meant a person who doesn’t ever leave their home. I guess that is only in extreme cases. I leave my home, just not alone.

Hilariously, there is a support group for agoraphobics in N. Palm Beach! I thought it must be online. I would be waaaay to scared to go. In my opinion anyone who is there is either recovering from agoraphobia, has a trusted person with them or is not agoraphobic. I would never go to a support group alone. I think I have every anxiety disorder possible. I think also social phobia too. Damn, I’m crazy.

Enough with others trying to dictate my life, I know myself better than they do.

Finally, I found a doctor who will listen to me! I am so happy to not feel judged anymore. I have done so much research on Generalized Anxiety and Insomnia together and have found suprising research. Yes, Xanax works for some people if you know how to be responsible with it. It really works the best for me, SSRI’s (anti-depressants), Buspar (made me have projectile vomit), Beta Blockers, (made me whoozy and dizzy) Anti-Psychotics (should not be taken by ANYONE not even if you are psychotic and I am not, too many permanent side effects and damage to your brain) do not work for me. I am scared to take Ambien and Lunesta because I have heard of Sleep driving, Sleep eating, etc. I refuse to go on anything that will make me gain weight. I would rather get run over by a truck than gain 40lbs. Not that there is anything wrong with people that are overweight, but I work hard (work out 4 days a week) and no medication is going to negate that! Plus I have issues with my mom and her constant weight comparisons…that is for another time.

To make it very clear, I got my damn tubes tied because I gained a shit ton of weight from the pill. I refused to take the pill ever again. I got surgery instead. No weight gain meds for this chica….

Anyways, I have been prescribed Xanax XR for my Generalized Anxiety and Insomnia. For me, it is a wonder drug. I wake up fully alert and I feel like a normal human being. I don’t ever feel high. That is not why I take it. I take the lowest possible effective dose and only take it as needed for insomnia, PMDD, or Panic attacks. It is a lifesaver. Usually I take .5 mg to 1mg on a really bad day/night.

Today I took 2mg, but I had an HSG (a really painful X-ray where they shove a tube up your twat to see if you are sterile.) I have also had some tequila, but this is not a typical day. This is a surgery type day.

I was surprised to read reviews on Revolution Health that the people who take it for insomnia (which is what I mostly take it for) take the lowest possible dose and it has been effective without causing addiction.

I don’t think I have an addictive personality. I lived alone once and drank every single night for 5 months. I drank a whole bottle of wine!!! I never became an alcoholic. Some people would say I am lucky, but I totally think at least part of this addiction thing is mind over matter.

I am resilient and have a strong mind. I am careful about listening to my body and know when enough is enough. If I ever become addicted to anything, I will update this blog and admit I was wrong. You know why, because I am not afraid to accept full responsibility for my flaws and mistakes. The reason is because I am an adult. Most people are too embarassed to do that, therefore most people are children, however I have no shame.

To go onto another subject, so far I am pleasantly surprised with President Obama. I respect him for being honest to the American people and telling us he “screwed up.” I love his stance on women’s rights and hope he continues to do well. Bush would have made excuses for himself, and never would have admitted error. That is why he was the worst president ever!

NO sex for a WEEK! A whole week!

Well, fuck freeing my sexuality because I can’t have sex for a whole week! I am going to make sure that my Essure Tubal ligation took and the nurse said I can’t have sex for a week. I was on the phone at work and I gasped outloud, “No sex for a week! Are you serious? That sucks!” I hope no one heard me. I told my husband well, there are other things we can do. We just have to get creative.

Perhaps writing about sex all the time is freeing my sexuality. I even wrote a confidental X-rated story about how we met. I felt embarassed reading it but also super turned on and ended up having sex again! lol. However, that was before I made this appointment. Fuck.

Well I am glad the month of January is almost over this month was dramarama! Filled with it and it seems to be unending with Adam’s parents. However, I just don’t give a shit anymore. As long as Adam and I are getting along his parents can say their shitty comments. Oh, I skipped over the how I tried to give them a chance part…oh well. Fuck them if they want to be shitty. I am an adult and they have no power over me. He can see them if he wants but I don’t have too.

I’m hoping that he will just “get it” eventually that his parents are toxic too just in different ways than mine. I’m not saying he needs to stop seeing them, just that he has to view them and deal with them in a way similiar to the way that I handle my father. They are alcoholics.

I love drinking once in a while, but they drink just about every day. Even if it is only beer, but the shitty comments always happen when they are drunk, which is almost all the time. We did drink with them on a few occasions and it was really fun, but then the next time they were shitty. I don’t understand why some drunks get so rude and snippity.

I am either a happy drunk or a depressed drunk. I don’t ever take it out on others. I guess I recognize my greatest enemy is myself not others. Who knows they could all just be figments of my imagination anyways? It is probably me just fucking with myself…lol. I am just kidding, but I did see that fucked up Guy Ritchie movie, “Revolver,” last night, so that is why I wrote about that possiblity.

Anything is possible, I mean we are here on Earth….which then brings the question- Are we really here? Or are we living in the Matrix? Perhaps the Matrix is real.

Free My Sexuality!

I have a confession to make. I am a horrible prude. I get all uncomfortable with sex, well except in certain contexts. There are many women I have met who talk more freely and openly about sex. I just can’t. Problem is, I am writing a novel about vampires. I want my characters to have sex! I just feel so weird an unnatural for writing about it. I am a “method writer” hence, having sex almost every day lately…..maybe I just need to have more sex and the thoughts will spill onto the paper. (And no, I didn’t realize that was a pun until after I wrote it…) I told my husband he has to free my sexuality!

The truth about Marrriage

If you marry the right person, you will have the most amazing sex you have ever had in your life. All the sex you had before will be pale in comparison. The physical and emotional side of your sex life will feel hallucinogenic.

I had to just write that down because I just can’t comprehend it. I have never enjoyed sex this much in my entire life. Wow, just wow…

The emotional aspects of marriage can suck sometimes and they really bit a big one for about a month but once you work things out, it is obvious you can prevail stronger. Being married to my husband is the most amazing and wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. I can’t believe I ever thought anything was good until now. Things just get better and better.

I’m starting to believe what they say……

About marriage. About how much it sucks. When it starts going bad, it feels like someone is slowly slicing away microscopic pieces of your heart. You feel like the pain is never going to end.

He is so angry with me all the time. If I even voice one single concern over his parents he flips. We never used to fight until they moved here. I want to move back to California. Perhaps our relationship was never strong in the first place? I’m sure that must be it.

I don’t want to be this unhappy all the time. I am never going to be happy again. I love him but his anger and rage scare the shit out of me. He is always yelling at me lately. He is always telling me everything is my fault. I just can’t hear it anymore.

I am starting to think all men are the same. If this ends I swear I won’t ever be with another man again. I thought we were just going thru a rough patch, but now I’m not so sure. The weird thing is that the sex has been really good lately, but everything else just plain sucks.