A Nihilistic Indulgence/ “Society the Worst thing that ever happened to Civilization”

Most people don’t listen to what other people say.  Most people are wrapped up inside their own web of meaningless consumer culture fabricated by society- the worst thing to happen to civilization.  They are on their own time, no one else’s time is important or in some cases non-existence.  All that exists for some people is themselves, and that is all they are aware of.

Perhaps, Mark Twain was right when he said, “There is no God, no universe, no human race, no earthly life, no heaven, no hell. It is all a dream, a grotesque and foolish dream. Nothing exists but you. And you are but a thought –a vagrant thought, a useless thought, a homeless thought, wandering forlorn among the empty eternities.”

If he was right- I wish I could think of something better than this fucked up excuse for existence.  Every time I think humans can’t sink any further, I see new levels of self absorption that I never knew existed.  Levels, that I am not inherently capable of.  Sometimes I wish I could believe in the rapture, because I wish it would happen.  I wish someone was coming to save us, I guess I see comfort in that thought today.  Unfortunately I am not that hopeful, which means even if it were true I’d still be stuck here with these douche bags.

All this ranting without writing anything is just pretentious, (minus all the cursing) I suppose.  What happened?  Well, in my life I have bad luck to the point where I stress myself out about EVERYTHING all the time (the medical term is GAD) because situations almost always turn out far worse than I can imagine.  I will elaborate but I could fill up a book of 100% pure pissing and moaning, which might be terribly annoying……

So in recent news:

A sociopathic classmate who came off as friendly and charming is really a self absorbed 30 year old boomerang (aka lives at home with mommy or mommy pays his rent or mortgage) who thinks he is the most important piece of shit to ever walk the planet.  Dipshit and his friends Pyrite mouth and Q-Tip have been gossiping about how incompetent I am in class. 

Meanwhile we had to take out camera equipment from the school, which I borrowed along with Dipshit and Pyrite mouth because I thought they were my friends or at least aquaintances.  Let’s put it this way- in the beginning I trusted them enough to bring me the equipment to get my project done.  Well, not anymore.  First off, they couldn’t even decide who was going to meet me with the equipment and were ignoring my phone calls and texts.  Dipshit was rude to me on the phone.  (Quite honestly I don’t feel like retelling the story again)  To put it bluntly, they were assholes and the equipment was not put in it’s proper place.  Things were tangled, which I had to fix, things were out of boxes and there was a general lack of respect for both me and the equipment itself.

I did my project, and it came out okay.  When I was done I dropped the camera off at the school to Starlight Eyes (who is actually a nice person for real) and my husband packed all the stuff in her car.  He learned how to pack amazingly from hours of Tetris playing…..

Well, Starlight Eyes has the equipment and it isn’t working.  We tried to help her, but nothing was working.  The camera died and now I’m getting blamed for it!  I explained to the Jackass professor and he didn’t seem to care.  Jackass seemed not to care that I was the only one who had borrowed equipment before and returned it in perfect condition.  I told him how Pyrite Mouth and Dipshit had given me the equipment in bad condition, and it seemed like he didn’t believe me or care.

I had a panic attack and had to leave.  It sucks because I was enjoying my class until all the fucktards came out of the woodwork.  The professor is the biggest one of all rivaled by Pyrite Mouth and Dipshit.

I don’t think anyone broke the camera, I think school cameras are well used and it just needs repair.  The  Jackass seemed to think a tiny scratch that was there when I received the camera was caused by me and was the reason the camera was fucked up.

I hate most people.  The more years go by the less hope I have.  I think I may drop out of school, work part-time and just write.  I am interested in Video Editing but the way these instructors teach it is so discouraging, so I think I’m going to just write.  George Carlin didn’t finish high school let  alone college and he was an amazing writer.  I am so sick of school and working in groups.   Fuck working in groups.

 

Florida, the Most Fucked Up State, Life on America’s Penis!

I finally posted this topic on a message board.  I will repost it here once everything is compiled.  People keep adding to it and it is so funny!  I might write a book about how fucked up Florida is, who knows? Lol.

Inner Peace

I need to change my attitude and get some confidence.  I realized I find hope in new things, like most people I live in the future.  I have lived far too long in the future and it is time to come into the present and do the best I can to make myself happy. 

Things have gotten better since last year and my life is better than most people’s, I’m lucky.  For some reason, I am married to this guy who is sick in love with me and he is absolutely wonderful.  If he sees something in me, then there must be something about me that is wonderful too, right?  I work part-time, so far I have a 4.0 gpa and am an honors student.  I own my house about 4 miles from the beach where it doesn’t ever snow and I live with four adorable fur animals.

But I’m not happy. ……    For that I have no one to blame but myself.  I never finish anything I start because I don’t think I will be good enough.  I am always convinced that I say, ask, or look stupid in the process of learning something new and I get discouraged.  Or someone important like a professor will criticize me and I will get all upset and think I am destined to fail, so I quit before I do.  I don’t understand why I place other people and their opinions so high and it needs to end.  Happiness comes for within and I need to find a way to achieve that.

There is nothing cuter than kittens

Today at hell, (work) I fooled them all by playing their game.  It is necessary to do that every once in a while to make them think I still care.  It’s quite funny when Mr. Cock and Balls tells me I’m right because he usually thinks he is always right and revels in proving others wrong.  Today he told me I was right and I smiled from here all the way back to California in satisfaction.

And in more depressing news, a Self Discovery….(self discovery is always good even though it is depressing.)

At school, my self esteem and panic are getting in the way there too.  It sucks because I want to learn a new vocation.  I realized I make stupid mistakes and I get really bent out of shape.  Recently several people if not most I encounter ask me why I am so hard on myself.  I finally figured out why………It wasn’t even because of my dad, his illness, and his incessant fighting with my mom.  I understand why someone would constantly fight with her. 

I doubt myself because of her constantly telling me that I’m a “Ditz,” or “Such a blonde,” or “Such a dumb blonde,” constantly followed by laughter.  However, she does still does it almost everytime I see her and she is not joking.  It’s sounds like such a stupid reason to have a low self-esteem, but it is the way she says it. 

My mom hates me.  She wants me to fail because she hates my dad and she hates that she stayed with him because of me and my sister.  My sister has serious problems and always has since she was born, but I think my mom has always been jealous of me.  She is the reason I barely have any female friends and since I’m married that means none at all.  She is the reason I hate shopping and I’m not like most women, because I don’t want to be anything like her. She is a selfish, spiteful, histrionic poor excuse for a woman because deep down she hates herself and she wants me to hate myself just as much as she hates herself. 

Below is what I’d love my mother to know, although she’d probably burst into tears because she wouldn’t be able to handle the truth about who she is. 

At least I know the truth about who I am……I have a low self esteem, I can come off as cold to strangers, snooty, and very picky about everything at my worst, and I learned it from you….Those are some of my faults, I’m sure not all, but it doesn’t make me cry, because the truth doesn’t hurt it helps clear the way to search for the  lost light within.  I’m going to slowly piece myself back together, but you won’t even admit anything is wrong and you probably wouldn’t care.  I often wonder why you brought me into this world in the first place.  Probably because you loved the idea of having a baby and then I grew up into exactly the opposite of what you are while still expressing some of your nasty traits in my flaws.

Well, mom you have succeeded for a long time, congratulations.  I know you are happy especially now that I’m no longer in your life.  You have the perfect boyfriend who has the perfect daughter, she’s a size 2 like you always wanted to be, she’s an honor student but has no clue what the word “implement” means, she’s not artistic at all which means she probably won’t ever smoke pot or drink at all, she probably goes to church to and believes in an invisible man in the sky.  Last but not least, she will probably breed you a ton of grandchildren because no matter what you say, you want me to breed because you are obsessed with babies and think everyone else should be too.  You want me to be as miserable as you used to be, because you are still obsessed with the Xtian idea that life is supposed to be suffering.

You stopped loving me when I wasn’t a baby so I grew to dislike babies. I also think they are ugly and I don’t understand why you think they are cuter than kittens.  There is nothing cuter than kittens……

I have decided that since you don’t want to see my new home and you haven’t made any effort to see me in over a year, it’s over.  I am only civil to you because of my grandmother.  I hope grandma lives forever but I know she won’t, and when she is gone, I’m through.  I’m out of your life for good.  You know it, I know it.  I’m not shitting out any grandkids so you have no reason to look forward to having any sort of relationship with me.  I have tried and it is fruitless and painful. 

If I let you go I can start moving on with my life.  I can’t accept you for how you act and you can’t accept me for who I am.  I don’t want to torment myself anymore with trying to make you love me.  I have a wonderful husband and I connect with him on a level that most people can’t comprehend.  I have what most people search their whole lives for right in front of me and I’m going to enjoy it rather than dwell on the past.

I’m going to become the light that my husband sees for everyone else too.  I’m going to be who I am- Quirky, Silly, Philosophical, (so I am told by someone very smart, anyway) Intelligent, Playful, Unique, Clever……..wow, right now it is really hard to think of 10 but it’s a start I guess.  I’m also not going to hide who I am in fear, either people will accept me how I am or not at all.

Edited and Deleted

Today I went through all my posts and edited and deleted the ones that were either poorly written or no longer felt relevant to my life.  It seems my place of work, almost exactly one year ago today (November 16, 2008) was the day I realized that the place I work is completely full of shit.  Although, I cried the day I got the job so deep down I guess I always knew.  Everything seemed to fall into its righteously full of shit place right after I bought and had been living in my home about a month.  It sucks that I am still there.  I couldn’t delete the posts about my work because my work plays a big role in making me miserable.

Going through I also noticed 2008 was such a fucked up year!  I am so glad its over!  2009 (I know its not over yet but close) is so much better!  It helped to notice that even though things still suck at work that life in general is getting better.  Being part-time at work helps I suppose even though it doesn’t feel like it does.  I’m sure I would have been hospitalized if I was forced to work there full-time still.  The politics and demands of that place would have truly driven my mind off some non-existent cliff in Florida. Hee!

I also deleted/edited a lot of my political commentary because the truth is that I really don’t care anymore.  I think I just got caught up in the 2008 election because I was so fed up with “W.”  I am really liberal but I think all mainstream politics are just full of shit and not worth my commentary.  I always end up repeating myself with corporatism, corporatism, corporations are evil, blah, blah, blah.  Honestly I don’t have much else to say and it probably gets boring after a while. lol.

I deleted a list of “projects” I was working on because I honestly feel I am so fickle and downtrodden I will never complete anything.  My aspirations are firmly rooted in reality.  I think a tiny part of me still had that religious “there is a purpose for everything” mentality lingering from childhood, so I was often deluded with ideas that I must do something spectacular with my life to change the world.  When in reality, all we can do is change the world little by little by simply not being destructive assholes and respecting other people. 

It sounds a bit depressing that I have lost my dreams, however I feel it is part of growing up, accepting things the way the are.  Not accepting that the world is a good place like some people, because it is not; but accepting that there is so much wrong that there is very little one person can do to change other than a little at a time.

My dream was to write a book or a screenplay that was made into some epic movie that would change the world.  Wow, it looks so ridiculous now that I’ve written it down.  Simply because its not like a movie would succeed in ending any of the world’s problems!  The Wachowski Brothers wrote the Matrix and it didn’t change the world, I guess it got people to think, but mostly it made the Wachowski Brothers rich and famous. 

I don’t want to be rich and famous.  I just want to be left alone by most people.  I have become rather misanthropic, sometimes apathetic but deep down I will admit I still wish the world would change, there’s just not much I can do about it.  When you can’t do anything about a situation that does have a tendency to lead to apathy, I guess.

What I really want is independence in my own life and to not get upset all the time by other people controlling me in a work environment.  It would be great to write something for a living so I don’t have to work for other people.  I hate anyone telling me what to do and my work is a dictatorship or more aptly put- a DICKtatorship run by Mr. Cock and Balls and Mr. Crazy Bells.  Oh, I think that’s a new character actually!  

I haven’t thought of Mr. Crazy Bells, (or Crazy Bells for short) profile completely yet.  Crazy Bells is the owner of the company I work for.  He is part Michael Scott from The Office and a touch of many other things.  He’s too complex to thing of a complete profile for now.  His profile will most likely be an entire page, I guess his profile will be coming soon…

***NOTES for later- However, Crazy Bells isn’t exactly in charge, he listens to everything Mr. Cock and Balls says.  He just owns the company, he says random shit and doesn’t bother me too much.  Classic White American Capitalist Pig who used to work for a bank and now runs his non-profit agency like a bank.  Oh and I had Margaritas with him once so he likes me for now…

More Characters in Hell.

Ms. Bitch- A brown noser who has her nose so far up managers/owners assholes while she is simultaneously massaging their taint.  Also a Breeder of the most spoiled rotten piece of crotchfruit hell child to ever walk  the planet.  Has a really annoying dorky husband who is a salesman.  She also wears the clear heels (you know the hoe shoes Chris Rock talks about?) to work, along with short dresses and a huge fumpa belly.  Brazilian, thinks that makes her extra special.   She has to bring it up CONSTANTLY!  If she likes it so much why doesn’t she just go back?  No, she definitely does not look like a hot Brazilian model in no way shape or form.

Mr. Cock and Balls- Manager of all the departments who looks down on anyone who speaks less than 2 languages.  Will only hire people that speak 2 or more languages. Often caught discriminates against women and black folks, but it can’t be documented so there is nothing that can be done. From India speaks Spanish, some form of Chinese, English and Hindi, thinks he is superior because of his international acclaim.  Doesn’t pronounce his “R’s they sound like”"W’’s” and likes to say the words, ERROR and the phrase “What the hell?” in a really loud demeaning way.  Also makes personal calls to his credit card company asking for an interest rate reduction because he thinks they actually care about his account.  News Flash….All Credit Card companies care about is making money, and you about all should know that dumbass! Is also a capitalist pig who likes to smooze up cozy to loan officers while rubbing their taint.  A major entitlement minded arrogant ass.

I hate everything

My Hellhole of a Workplace makes me hate everything!

I don’t remember the day my idealism died, it was somewhere at the end of September or the beginning of October.  I get more misanthropic, nihilist and apathetic every day.  I’m not depressed though it does sound weird saying that I’m not.  However, I love my life, with my husband, the very few friends I have, nature, and my animals.  I just hate pretty much everything else. 

Most people are too wrapped up in their own selfish little universes to even have a meaningful conversation.  Ridiculous rap music has annihilated the airwaves and the masses have succumbed to its anti-intellectual (lacking poetic meaning) charms.  The only thing that matters to most people is money, clothes, religion, kids, breeding, sports, (I honestly could care less and so could my husband sorry) and doing whatever ever they please regardless of who it hurts. 

People lack morals, especially all the ridiculously deluded jackasses that go to church every weekend.  I fucking hate church, and I fucking hate hearing about it.  In fact I’m so shocked anyone would willingly choose to go to a place so infested with zombies and cannabilism.

The First Character I want to smack all the way out of the universe—

Of course, I’m referring to the dumb misogynistic asshole that sits behind me at work.  I don’t want to hear about your holy desire to be married in a church and church this and church that.   You are a fucking hypocrite, just admit to yourself and to others that you care only about yourself.  I don’t know what illusion you have conceived to convince some desperate woman to marry you.  Oh yeah, that is right, you made sure to saddle her down with sprogs before  actually making your commitment official in front of your gawd.  She does have to be pretty stupid to buy into your lies, especially because you were saying that the famous Ghetto Princess of CCMS has such nice titties.  Oh yeah, I wanted to be in earshot for that.   It wasn’t bad enough that the Ghetto Princess herself showed me some racy pictures of herself  before she got fired for using client’s credit cards.  I also love hearing you talk  about how all American men should marry women from other countries, because that way they will get a woman that cooks for them stays home with kids and treats them right.  Although, I’m 120% sure you will still cheat on the poor unsuspecting woman you have trapped in your web of misogyny. 

Yes, you sir are a prime example of everything that is wrong with the world!  A person with no redeeming qualities whatsoever and you choose to breed more genetic replicas of yourself into this slowly dying planet we call Earth.  You make attempts at being funny that just well….aren’t at all.  The problem is that everyone else thinks people like you who choose to live in the ghetto, who are proud of it, (like my poor mentally ill sister, although you don’t even have that as an excuse) who love to talk in Spanglish to make other people feel like outsiders are breeding yourselves into the majority.  I must add this rant is not about Spanish people, but about ghetto people from all walks of life who are an insult to the human race like yourself.  You are crude, nasty, overweight, and constantly gorging yourself on the excesses of modern American life- fast food, fast women, and knowingly buying stolen electronics.  Everyone thinks you are cool, but I don’t.

Mr. Ghetto Fabulous

I just want out of this ghetto hellhole I work in. I want to slap everyone that works there to the moon.  I’m so angry.  I need to be drugged up just to function.  I’m the office Benzo Queen. In fact  my name is Ms. X,  as in constant stream of Xanax.  I only need it when I am down in this pit of hell.

October is here already

I realized that I don’t write very often lately.  I don’t know why, I guess I feel uninspired as of late.  I still don’t know what I want to do with my life.  I don’t think I will ever figure it out.  I don’t think I will ever leave my crummy job and if I do it will just be for another crummy job.  At least it’s only part time…..

My goal is to live in the moment and enjoy life.  My idealism is dead.  I don’t think my life has a great purpose.  I used to think I was destined for something great, but I realized a certain little annoyance called reality and it crushed my dreams.  I’m not depressed, seriously.  I’m just being realistic.  I will never know my purpose if there is such a thing and I am trying to be totally cool without ever knowing anything.  Agnostic about everything in my life in general I guess.

As for the 30 Day Shred, it is going well, my stomach looks more toned.  I haven’t dropped any sizes or anything, I think I’m impossible of losing much weight.  I have decided I don’t care anyways.  All I want is to be healthy and happy, I’ve wasted far too much time hating myself.  It’s time for acceptance.  I am still going to continue The Shred because I feel healthy and maybe, just maybe it will pay off.  I start Level 3 either tomorrow or in a few days.  (It depends on whether or not I’m in pain.  If I’m in pain, I’m sticking with Level 2 until the pain is gone.)  I am doing all the Advanced moves at Level 2 though for the most part, except one or two moves.  My arms look damn good and my abs too.  I don’t know if I will lose a size though, maybe it just takes longer.  I wish I could lose my boobs most of all.  If I don’t it doesn’t matter, but it would be good if I do.

30 Day Shred

I’m a year late and I’m trying to get back in shape before I turn 30.  I have just under 6 months and getting back in shape would make me dread the birthday a lot less.  So far, I’m on Day 2 of Level 2 which is an AB killer!   I have such a hard time with the last Ab exercise that tonight I only did a few and then went down on the mat to do bicycle crunches instead.  After doing Level 2 my abs hurt like they have been worked out like never before!  I don’t know if I’m seeing results though.  It’s only been two weeks. 

I have consistently worked out for over 10 years now, but have neglected weight training/toning for 5 years, since I met Adam.  For the past two weeks I’ve done the Shred 5 days a week, and 30 minutes of bicycling once a week.  I’m going to also step up the bicycling since I have more Day time off now on Tuesdays.  At least I’m hoping to….My goal is to eat a small filling breakfast, do the Shred, Cool off a little so I’m not dripping sweat, then get on my bicycle bike 5 miles to the gym, lift some weights, and then bike 5 miles back. 

Of course, that long day of working out will be dependent upon the weather.  Really I should do that on Sunday because I am forced to take Mondays off starting next month and I HAVE to bike to school on Wednesdays because the parking lot is too damn crowded to drive, so my muscles must not be too sore.  Although I will say my body has gotten used to the burn 4-5 days in a row.

I’ve am slowly switching over to whole grains.  It is easy to find whole grain pasta- brown rice and quinoa! They are so yummy, unfortunately they are $3 or more a box!  It’s alright, it’s important to eat healthy.  I hate whole wheat pasta for some reason, but brown rice and quinoa are even better than regular pasta!  It is very hard to find real whole grain bread, because any bread made with ‘enriched flour’ is not whole grain!  So even though it says it’s wheat, it’s really no better than white or sourdough.

I’m also taking a Nutrition Class which is a complete snorefest.  Not the material just the class itself.  The instructor’s methods are just boring.  It’s half online/half in class no lecture.  Nothing interesting.  I hate it.  Oh well, it’s going to require discpline.  I am kicking myself, I should have taken Astronomy!

Four Bit Tangent

I have so many thoughts and ideas but it seems no one ever seems to notice.  I’ll write something but every seems so wrapped up in their daily lives to care.  Maybe they are the ones that have it right, maybe I’m just supposed to distract myself with mindless entertainment until I forget I am mortal.

I consider myself a Secular Humanist, however I find it so hard to live every day to the fullest because I hate what I do.  I feel like working at my day job takes the pursuit of happiness away from me.  I feel like a complete nihilist at times, it’s not that I want to do anything immoral, it’s just that I’m wasting the time that I have playing a role in someone else’s dream.  His dream is my nightmare.

I feel so broken and like if I do have talent for writing, why hasn’t anyone noticed? I don’t know that I have this gift?  If I do have a gift, is it really a gift or a curse?  My mind is restless, yet at the same time it would be unsettling if it stopped.Adam was talking about his fear of death recently, and I don’t quite understand because as a child I was told hell was a real place by a teacher at my school.  I can’t imagine someone being afraid of nonexistence, that doesn’t bother me in the least if that is all there is.  If that’s it it sounds like a good rest to me, however I am reluctant to admit I still have the fear of hellfire lurking in my subconscious.  It is hard to forget the things you are told when you were five years old, even if they are completely irrational.  Reincarnation would be cool, non-existence would be fine.  Hell still scares me sometimes.

I think about unsettling things often, far too often.  I wish I could be living each day to the fullest, but I really don’t know how.  There must be a better way to live.  I think Henry David Thoreau had everything all figured out, and I don’t care what his critics say.  Fuck them, he was brilliant and under-appreciated even by his close friends.  They say he did nothing with his life, but he helped a bunch of slaves escape, how is that nothing?  He was so brilliant and progressive.  He is my hero.

-End Four Bit  Tangent of useless information no one cares or thinks about except me.