Sick of being a “Wage Slave” and other depressive musings ending on a positive note

I am still sickly depressed but I’ve been reading some information about how to re-shape your thoughts, basically de-programming all mainstream thought.  I’m not going crazy.  I’m trying to de-program the crazy out of me.   Apparently, there are successful people who have quit their jobs and started their own business or freelanced their way to happiness, thus de-constructing the reality that we all have to be “wage slaves.”  My job definitely feels like serfdom and I hate that I’m wishing my life away.  I don’t think I was supposed to live this way. I want to enjoy each moment and being a wage slave is preventing that.

Luckily I’m a realist, which means I know to buy my freedom from “wage slavery” it will require long and careful planning. My business ventures have not been successful due to my extreme introversion and lack of sales skills.  The biggest reason for failure is a my low self-confidence. It’s painful to admit this but I hate myself and have for a very long time. I want to stop. Once I can stop hating myself, perhaps I will be ready to work on the path to my freedom.

The question is – How do I stop hating myself?  I have a wonderful husband and our life has been comfortable again since we both have jobs (so I know I am very lucky in this economy), however I am dissatisfied with myself.  I have been since I was a child. I don’t think I have liked myself in a long time.

Sometimes I think it is due to past experiences in my life, but I can’t blame my parents, or others for the way I am now. I have control over how my life goes, and I know it is not their fault that I am miserable. It is no one’s fault but my own.

I’m coming off another failure- I attempted to sell my jewelry at a booth. I only sold 1 necklace and 2 pairs of earrings.  I don’t think it’s the merchandise people don’t like.  People said they loved it, tried it on and then would say, “Thank you,” and walk away. They seemed to be very excited about it too, so it befuddled me and pissed me off at the same time. I also get compliments from my co-workers on my jewelry.   I’m pretty certain it is the prices. I even tried lowering the prices though and nothing sold.  I think it might have been the crowd.  It was Oktoberfest and I don’t know that those barbarians were into Swarovski Crystals and Semi-precious gemstones. I think they’d rather have knickknacks and cheap Wal-mart jewelry.

Still, I’m beating myself up for it.  I beat myself up for everything. I wish I didn’t have to be so different from the majority of people.  It really is a lonely place to be…..The only place I feel acceptance is with my husband and some days I don’t even feel connected to him. I wonder how he could love me because I am such a failure.

I haven’t ever succeeded at anything important. I’m stuck in a dead-end call center, customer facing job and probably will be forever if I don’t change something. I want to change.   I want to love myself and respect myself as I respect others.

I don’t know why that is so hard.  I have thought about dying my hair, moving to another country where things will be better, disappearing and never coming back. (although Adam and the animals would have to come with me)  If I did those things, I would still end up the same, hating myself again.

I picked up some Buddhist books thinking those might help, but unfortunately the older I get the less sense any religion makes to me, no matter how badly I try.  It would be nice of those things were true but it just seems silly to me. Instead I’ve been finding myself picking up bits and pieces of a very Humanistic Spirituality which hopefully will help me.

The short version is accepting yourself for who you are (your consciousness, soul, whatever, as a humanist I think  of soul as a metaphor for consciousness) healing yourself from within because true salvation can only be found within.  I don’t think true salvation can be found outside either through another person or  deity. 

I need to gather the strength and courage from deepest part of my consciousness and be everything I would like to be.  Oh how I wish I had someone who could make this happen magically. The poverty of agnosticism is exhausting sometimes, so I have to choose to believe in something-  myself , the only person that has the absolute power to make everything better.

Wow, I haven’t written in so long…

Partly because I have been deeply depressed for a very long time, I think it’s been 7 months now…..After reading my last posts I  sound like I used to be much more fun than I am now. I hate everything at the moment and maybe trying to deny what I am and always will be has been eating away at my soul. I hate what I am-INFP, according to Myers-Briggs.

 Introverted Intuitive Feeling Perceiving100-44-50-11

Strength of the preferences %

100 44 50 and 11

Yes, that is 100% introversion! I will never succeed at anything or be happy in this society. It is very depressed how much I prefer solitude.  I am still at my stupid day job. I started making jewelry but people seem to like it, but unfortunately they want Walmart prices. (Wal-mart- everything that is wrong with the world, but that’s a whole other soapbox topic for another day.)  I hate dealing with everyday people, they are so stupid, it’s amazing how many people have to have my business name spelt out for them it is Lane Art and Design! I picked it because it is easy, because most people are too dumb for creative names.  You would be surprised to see how many people can’t spell the word art! A-R-T!  Three letters!  The knowledge I have about how stupid everyday people are makes my brain want to explode.

Ending this short because I typed some things I will probably regret…Am now crying, so depressed today. It seems like nothing works out, ever. My life sucks lately.

I still think there is nothing cuter than kittens, okay puppies might be tied…..

Why does not having children seem like the most defiant act of misanthropy known to modern American society?  It is true that more adults are childfree but it seems that this lifestyle must be constantly defended.  It’s definitely harder for women to defend than for men, as women are expected to have a motherly instinct, but what if that so-called motherly instinct never surfaces?

As a child my sister always wanted to be a mother, it was her life long dream.  She played with baby dolls and baby carriages, while I thought there could be nothing more adorable than putting our family dog in the baby carriage.  I’ve always felt a motherly instinct for animals, which people always seem to find extremely odd.  I thought babies were uninteresting, alien looking creatures and it was hard to believe someone would think that a human baby could be cuter than a puppy or a kitten.

Now as an adult, I’m forced to defend something I haven’t done and never had the desire to do.  Usually people only have to defend something they have actually done that was bad, so why is being childfree considered  so freakish?   I know I haven’t done anything bad. I don’t care if other people have kids or not, I just want people to be happy. I just don’t understand why everyone wants me to have a child so bad?

Are they going to raise it for me? Are they going to deal with worrying whether I am being a bad parent, or worrying about when a bully picks on this hypothetical kid at school?  Are they going to be the ones that take care of this hypothetical child when something goes wrong? Are they going to tell this child all the dangers of the world? Are they going to feed, clothe and nurture this hypothetical child?  I know the answer is a solid no, so these people need to pardon my language…..shut the FUCK up!

I still think there is nothing cuter than kittens, okay puppies might be tied…..

 

I’m not going crazy

Dealing with alcoholics really takes its toll, I’m not talking about your run of the mill drunks. I’m talking about insane alcoholic drama involving injuries, marital discord (between the 2 alcoholics, everything blissful here..) and phone calls at 3am on a work night.  Seriously and I was wondering why I was getting so many panic attacks? 

This weekend we had a break from them.  I love them very much but they were trying to drag us into it.  I hung out with her by herself on Friday and everything was fine.  Together way too much drama…I got a nasty message from her husband saying I’m taking her side. So I sent him a rational message letting him know that I think they are both equally to blame and that I don’t want any part of their arguments.  I’m  hoping he was drunk when he wrote it and now feels stupid.   After that, I laid low for about a week, which is perfect because now I can’t get accused of taking anyone’s side.  Of course I’m NOT taking sides in a fight that’s both of their faults.  It truly is both of their faults, and they have too many problems.

I could honestly see anyone’s marriage going sour if either person is dealing with an addiction.  I think if Adam was an alcoholic it would be really hard to stay married to him.  If we were both alcoholics then I would naturally assume it would be even harder to stay together.  You really can’t help people that are in the midst of addiction because they don’t want it yet and may never want it.

The good news is that they have decided not to bring another human being into this mess. Before I found out about the severity of their problems I said that I would support whatever decision they chose.  Now I flat out told her that under no circumstances is now the right time to add to their family and she agreed with me 100%.  I told her if she proceeded with those plans then she would end up wrecking her marriage for sure.  Especially since she can’t stop her drinking when she’s around him.  Not a good idea at all…..

She’s a different person when they aren’t together.  She seems fun and happy and doesn’t even drink.  It’s when she goes home to him that she starts.  I’m not saying it’s his fault she’s drinking but him being unemployed, depressed and also an alcoholic sure can’t help.  They need to get help, she’s said so but isn’t acting on it. He refuses to admit he even needs help. 

I miss my friends!  I want them to get better and to have a normal loving relationship. It really sucks when your friends stress you out. I haven’t need a Dr. X during the day since I haven’t seen them and I feel fucked up about that.  I just hope that things get better for them soon. The situation is not in my control though, and the only control I have is to remove myself when they get to be too much.

I think vodka is evil.  All the alcoholics I have ever met in my life chug the vodka right out of the bottle.  Maybe it’s because it’s easier to hide because it doesn’t smell as much. (although I can still smell it.)  I just drink wine. I’m a wino and I’ve never had any problems.  So I’m sticking to wine…..that other shit is too harsh on everything- your body, your life, your marriage everything.

Sometimes Enough is Enough

I’ve had it with where I work.  The shit for me has finally hit the fan.  I just hate everything about being there whether no one bothers me or whether they do, it just doesn’t matter.  I hate not only 99% of the people I work with but I also hate talking on the phone for a living.  Yes it’s only part time but I feel as if it will NEVER end.  It depresses the living shit out of me.  I send out resumes and either get no response or stupid rejection letters.

I know I need to focus on what I do have.  I have one thing so many people don’t and that’s one person that I completely trust and know would do anything for me and I for him as well.  I have what everyone dreams of and I’m letting this tiny little shit stain of a job fuck my life up.  It’s so hard not to because it just feels like I’ve been there forever, and I will be there FOREVER.  Am I dead?  Because I think the Catholics may be right because this day job feels like hell and I don’t think hell could truly be hell without a taste of heaven.  So my personal life is heaven and my job is hell on earth.  I think I’m dead and I’ve gone to hell for being an unbeliever. lol. It sure feels like it sometimes!

Relief

So, Friday night I finally admitted and realized that I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown.  I need to go back on daily long acting anti-anxiety agents.  Luckily, I still have some Xanax XR, unfortunately Xanax XR costs a fortune and so does my doctor, but it’s better than feeling hopelessly overwhelmed, contstantly keyed up and lacking a sex drive.  Interestingly enough a 1mg XR doesn’t do anything for me, but a 2mg XR seems to be a little much.  Too much is better than not enough so I’m going to tell the doctor I need 2mg. 

The good thing is that I don’t have to worry about addiction like regular Xanax. The thing that makes me feel guilty is when I’m not having a stressful day sometimes the 2mg makes me a little euphoric.  It feels wonderful.  The 1mg doesn’t conquer the anxiety at all. The euphoria only happens if I’m not in a stressful situation. For example, it started kicking in yesterday after I had the most mind blowing sex of my life.  Of course I’d be super relaxed after that right?  It was smooth sailing euphoria for a couple hours after that, then I felt normal again.  Thank you old Catlick for making me feel like I did something wrong.

I realized how much of a rut I’d been in.  My sex life was starting to be boring and I was questioning whether being with the same person for 6 years had something to do with that.  I wasn’t craving other people though, I was just not interested at all. I talked to Adam about it and he said he thought it was the anxiety. He said I have been a major stress case since all the shit happened at the end of last year.  We then decided I needed my long acting meds and even discussed going on Klonopin again, but after yesterday I don’t think Klonopins a good idea. I lost my sex drive with that. XR seems to not have that effect at all…..

It is wonderful being so close to someone and loving someone so much that you can talk about things like that. I basically told him I was bored with our sex life and that it was both of our faults, but mostly my lack of desire.  I was crying and getting upset.Little did I know that Saturday would be the best sex I’d ever had ever!  It even beat out sex on one of the world’s most beautiful beaches in Hawaii!  Sure that was great but physically yesterday I was on a different plane…not once but twice once in the afternoon and once in the evening.

Not trying to get all graphic but my faith in marriage has been thoroughly restored.  In marriage, there are rough patches, boring patches (that was what I had been feeling for a few months) extremely difficult patches, and then there are be patches where you feel amazingly connected to your husband or wife, not just sexually but emotionally as well. Luckily, I always feel amazingly emotionally connected to Adam regardless of how our sex life is.  I know that the emotional connection is what lays the seeds to have mind blowing sex occasionally when every day life is not getting in the way.

However, the most important thing is to make sure not to get caught up in the problems of every day life and never forget why you fell in love .  The first item is the hardest because every day life will shit on you and make you feel like life is not worth living sometimes.   I never have never forgotten the 2nd one though….Wow, this is starting to sound like an advice column but for me it is really just a cathartic release of pent up anxiety that’s been festering for months.  It feels good to breathe out several sighs of relief in both metaphoric and actual true relief.

The beauty of simplicity

Many people see the world in black and white terms, but I just don’t think things are that simple.  Perhaps it’s that by nature I’m just agnostic about everything.  I can’t ever seem to decide on anything because everything seems so confusing.  It’s just impossible to know the truth about things that aren’t experienced first hand and even then everything is about perception. The only thing I truly believe in is chaos.  There is no doubt in my mind that chaos exists and that it will continue to prevail.

Most people form an opinion on something and stick with it.  I try to get as much information as possible and then decide what I think, but even after I have decided what I think to be true I’m still always open to new ideas.  This can be a bad thing because it makes me a bit wishy washy.  It can also be a good thing because I’m open-minded and I will most likely never get into a battle of wits with someone with the intent of proving myself right.  I don’t think being right matters though and most of the time I’m not right- (Adam usually is.) What does matter is being respectful, and nice and willing to listen to others even if you don’t agree or can’t decide if you agree.

I’ve done the research on the oil spill and I’m more confused than ever.  I just don’t know who to believe so I’m not going to pick a side.  I’ll just go with the- It happened and it’s a catastrophic event that may affect my life.  What can I do to help make it right?  Is there anything?  I’m not sure other than making those little cat hair balls to soak up oil. I’m also planning on other places to move in case a hurricane hits and everything is soaked with oil.  It really is terrifying, upsetting and above all confusing.  Why can’t things be simple?  When I was young everything seemed so simple but now the older I get everything seems to be the opposite.

Always follow your heart

I feel revolted by the vulgar nature of my last post but those kind of thoughts and words are the very things I am exposed to every day at work. I really just needed to rant. I have been sporadically searching for other “day” jobs as I can’t take it anymore and I know sometimes it takes 2 years or more to establish yourself with your own business. In the meantime, I need an income.

Job searching stresses me out more than anything.  I know I’m qualified, competent and a reliable employee. Iknow I’m a fast learner and that I am smarter than the general population. I know this because I have worked with the general population for 14 years and in that time I have become so dumbfounded at just how stupid most people really are.  I guess I need to hide the fact that I am a misanthrope.  I can work with people in business situations though with no problem.  I think understanding their stupidity is the key to getting through to them, ironically enough. 

As far as personal relationships are concerned I don’t like getting close to people.  I don’t let people in. Recently I have developed my first close adult friendship.  It’s interesting because we are so different, yet have the same sense of humor.  She’s a mom, she’s not terribly interested in animals and I’m a CF animal freak.  She’s also considering having another child, which I told her I would be supportive of if that’s what she really wants however I also voiced my concerns like any good friend should on being prepared.  I’m not worried about her changing into a different person because she is already a mom.  If it was a friend who became a new mom then I might expect a change in personality, but I’m not worried.  I am worried though that she is not listening to her heart though because she has always said she is happy with one kid because she has a good kid who is smart and polite.  I warned her that the next one might not be so wonderful. I am convinced that when a family has 2 kids at least one of them ends up fucked up. Although, of course her husband wants to try for the almighty golden boy to carry on the family name.  Why are most men so arrogant in that way?

They have also been arguing and think the new baby might help their relationship.  As someone who’s logical, I see making sure your relationship is as solid as possible before taking on such a big responsiblity.  However, she’s emotional right now because her daughter is going to be a teenager soon and I think her husband is preying on that.  And we all will do anything to please the one we love…….I told her to take some time and think about it- to do what’s in her heart.  However, giving in to the one you love is sometimes unavoidable.

I caved when Adam wanted to get $300.00 tickets to see Roger Waters in November, but Adam does deserve those tickets and he may not ever get a chance to see Roger Waters again- he’s getting old.  A baby is different and I know Adam would never ask me for a baby. He has never wanted kids.  I was the one that used to be on the fence, not him. I will say if he told me he truly wanted kids though I would have because I would do anything for him.  Luckily he wants other things- like Roger Waters tickets and vacations.

Lately, my inner feminism has been getting me riled up lately due to the stress from work.  I realized the kind of man I have is one who would be just as outraged at the vile disgusting comments as I am. Adam is always so supportive and loving sometimes I feel like I give him way too much drama.

I’m surprised and relieved I am married to a man who is unlike any other man I’ve ever met. I’d swear he is from a different planet. He has to be.  He’s so amazing.  I want to do something even more special than the tickets for him because he just deserves the world.  He is the best!

I have to get this out- Raunch Culture Rant

My current day job is at the most vile disgusting place I’ve ever worked at.  I’m working so hard at my business so I can get the hell out of there. I have decided their is only 1 person there I like at all as a person, everyone else gets on my nerves.  The “most popular kid at school,” aka “The Golden Boy” at work is a 25 (or 26?) misogynistic asshole who everyone else thinks is absolutely hilarious. He is moving in with his girlfriend and is making such a big ass deal about it. As a result he seems to be objectifying women in every conversation that he has. 

He makes it known that women are nothing but tits ass and a nice warm hole. It is absolutely revolting and disgusting. I’m practically shaking just writing this because it is nauseating. The harassment is not directed at me but at all women and it makes me even sicker than if it was just directed at me. He is not the only one in the office guilty of this behavior either, in fact it’s encouraged by the owner.  I work for the nastiest trashiest low-life piece of crap people I have ever met in my life.

I overheard the owner have another conversation with the future Golden Boy, a douche bag named Darrell who was doing the same fucking thing talking about how he likes his women and blah blah blah.  If it’s not enough that I have to have nasty mental images in my head, and dreading every word that comes out of his mouth. As a woman, I know that we are not objects ! We are living breathing creaturest that have feelings! We are not just holes, tits and asses! In fact, all my friends and I are smarter than all the douche bags that say these ignorant things.  It just sickens me so much I want to sue, I’ve been visiting Dr. X daily again because of this BS.

The thing that set me off with Douche Bag Jr. aka Darrell is he was talking about how he was sterile to the boss and he thought that all women should want kids or there was something wrong with them!  Oh how I wanted to go in there and smack him!  ATTENTION MEN: ALL WOMEN ARE NOT JUST HOLES FOR YOUR PLEASURE JUST TO GET YOUR TINY DICK WET SO WE CAN MAKE YOUR STUPID FUCK TROPHY TO CARRY ON YOUR PATHETIC LEGACY OF DOUCHEDOM!  GET YOURSELF A BLOWUP DOLL  BECAUSE A REAL WOMAN WOULDN’T WANT TO BE IN THE ROOM WITH YOU FOR 5 SECONDS LET ALONE EVER LOOK AT YOUR MICRO PENIS! 

They must all hate women because they have a micro penis. I swear if I wasn’t married to a wonderful exception to the rule, I would HATE men. I HATE most of them and I would be a lesbian if I didn’t find Adam.  I’d get over the whole ick factor because that would be better than even having to have the displeasure of ever even being on a date for even 5 minutes with the douchebags that are out there.  Normal Guy culture is just so raunchy and nasty. All the things I’ve heard make me want to puke. I think I’m going to get a tape recorder.

Too bad the female supervisor who quit didn’t have one when she was told that she was being demoted because the owner just couldn’t work with a woman manager!  Serious.  That really happened!  These douche bags need to go down….I think I’m getting a lawyer. I can’t take much more!

Moments

I have been living in the moment lately much to my surprise. Last night when I was driving home from work I heard that there was a show for only 10 bucks in downtown West Palm, and I realized I haven’t been to a show at a small club in so long. I didn’t know who the bands were but I asked Adam when I got home if he knew who “Civil Twilight” was.  He said yes that it was the band that sang the song, “Letter From the Sky.”  He had just been talking about how awesome and talented the band was too. 

I was scheduled to work out but I skipped it because we needed to get to downtown WPB fast because there were only 100 tickets left.  We were lucky enough to score some tickets and then went to have dinner at this way over-priced Mexican restaurant that actually sells a Margarita pitcher for $325.00!  Of course we didn’t order that but I did have 2 $9 Passionfruit Margaritas(delicious but I”m not sure there was any Tequila in them) the $12 Tableside guacamole and 3 Blackened Mahi Tacos @ $3.95 each but I could only eat two. The food was good but the guacamole and the drinks were super overpriced, I’m not sure I’d go back. I had eaten there the first time last weekend on my Girls Night out when I was superdrunk but I only had 1 taco because I was being cheap.  I remembered the fish taco being the yummiest one I ever tasted but I guess being superdrunk makes stuff taste better that it is.

The show was amazing.  I felt younger and more alive than I have felt in a long time.  I haven’t really been into music for a long time.  I’ve recently rekindled my musical flirtation with Muse and it has developed into a full blown love affair.  The same is true for Civil Twilight.  These two bands make bands like Smashing Pumpkins and Guns N Roses seem ridiculous. The type of music that is coming out now is more influenced by Pink Floyd and I think it is destined to be the Classic Rock of the early 21st century.

Civil Twilight is much louder in person. There is a quality in the lead singer’s voice that resonated deep within my soul.  I found the music spoke to me like music from my teens used to.  New  music hasn’t done that to me in over 15 years.  (Of course the classics like Pink Floyd and Zeppelin will make me feel that way but not anything new) We bought the CD from one of the band members but when Adam asked for an autograph the guy told him that he needed to see if he could get the band together and they were all sporadically dispersed throughout the small club. I was actually two feet (or maybe less) standing next to the lead singer with no one in between while he was putting his equipment away.  He was absolutely gorgeous I might add too…..

I didn’t say anything even though I wanted to tell him that the show was amazing. Adam scolded me telling me I should have told him that. He said that musicians always want to hear from people that think their music is good.  I just didn’t believe when he was carrying a 50 lb plus piece of music equipment was the right time to spark a conversation. 

Adam desperately wanted to meet the band to make a connection for his own music but unfortunately the connection was not made. We left after Civil Twilight even though a band called The Paper Tongues was coming on.  Their music seemed pale in comparison to what we had just heard.  We honestly couldn’t believe Civil Twilight was opening for them!  I think that their single sounds like a beer commerical and that they will hopefully be a one hit wonder because I thought they sounded terrible.

We have been enjoying life so much lately and I surprised Adam by spontaneously whisking him off to a last minute rock show.  It was fun and I missed him last week on my Girls Night Out.  It’s pretty pathetic that I miss my husband on a girl’s night but I love him more than anyone in all the universes combined.