A peek into my soul

This blog is a peek into my soul.  If we actually have souls.  Or is it just consciousness? (Sometimes I hate the way atheist fundamentalists can’t take a metaphor or play on words just like Christian fundamentalists.  All fundamentalists kind of suck…) Whatever it is- it is a peek into the essence of who I really am. 

Anyways, I haven’t been working on the Unicorn Cat too much.  The reason is because I can’t draw cats very well at all.  They are the hardest thing to draw realistically.  I have been focusing on portrait drawings of the human face, and I am getting better.  They are not super realistic yet, but I can see the improvement.  I can draw realistic noses now, and I really can’t even explain to anyone how I do it.  It is just shading.  It is weird.

I made up a lullabye about my cat.  I am so obsessed with my little girl cat.  I think that most of my life revolves around my family that is made up of animals.  I think it is so cool that 3 different species of animals can live together peacefully in one house!  Humans, cats, and a dog….I thought about getting another dog when we move into our own home…

Here’s part of her lullabye and then you can read about the mortgage mess…The lullabye is not finished yet.  It is a rough draft…

 

“Kitty Lullabye”

 

Sunbeams and starlight in her eyes,

Shining forth the beauty of morning and twilight,

Intertwining the spectacular promises born of the night,

She reigns in the darkness leaving trails glitter dust

Swirling into the magic of daybreak

She closes her eyes

Drifting into the slumber of a queen

Purring the lullabyes sung in dreams

Sleeping in the land of enchant

The hidden glittering

sapphire

Moonbeams and sunlight in her eyes,

Glowing diamonds in the night,

The only star

 in the dark deep endless starless night

Shining into my heart forever

Her twinkling purr of infinity

 

©2008 pisces halcyon/Jlane. the 9th sword publishing co.

 

 

 

 

 By the way, we are going thru the hell of trying to obtain a mortgage right now.  We found the perfect house, and I was so stressed out about it that I said to my husband- if we don’t get approved for this mortgage-”Let’s stop looking for houses because I don’t want any other house, and let’s use our down payment and go to Europe this spring instead!”  So either way we win, we are either going to be homeowners or are going to Switzerland, Italy and Germany for two weeks!!!  I told our loan officer and he said “Either way you will be disappointed.”  To which I replied, “Quite the opposite, either way it is good news.”  Europe is the incentive I need to get through this mortgage scrutiny.  If we get the house our goal is to go to Europe for our 5 year anniversary, which is in 2 years.

Yes, on Sept. 10, we will have been married 3 years!  I can’t believe it has been that long.  My life has been so beautiful and wonderful since I met my husband.  Everything has changed for the better.  He is a living angel, and I love him with all my heart.

Thoughts…

Deep in my heart I know I would be happiest if I could just be a little girl forever without the pressures of the adult world I never asked for. I remember the ages between five and seven were happy and untouched by the corruption of the outside world.  I had deep thoughts, and they were completely mine, no one else’s yet.  When you are a child, you own your thoughts, and that is one of the most magical things about being a child.  You instinctively know right from wrong, up from down, and know when things don’t make sense. 

 

You can spot the zombies in church, the wrongs in racism even in a society where it is socially acceptable, and the oddities of just being born into this primitive and confusing existence.  You can do this without offending people. People with think you are just naïve and haven’t figured out the way things are or the way they are “supposed” to be.  The reality is that you know what the truth is- that no one has the answers, they just want to pretend they do, and they are all too scared and afraid so they make up little obsessive compulsive rituals to bond (organized religion) or start fights (racism, war) to create drama that helps them forget the cold harsh reality of death, ironically even if those fights lead to the death of others. 

 

I don’t know if other children had these thoughts, but I wouldn’t think so.  The reason I think not is because even most adults don’t even stop to think, or even care to think about the big things- like where I was before I was here on earth?  What would it be like to be nothing?  Remembering having memories of a place somewhere faraway in the clouds floating in the timeless energy of long ago; a time before existence rotted away at the earth and human problems were not yet invented.  Was it just my imagination or was I crazy to remember such a place?  Did it really exist somewhere in another forgotten dimension or was it just a dream?

 

I will never forget those first deep thoughts I had, and will always think it was odd for a young child to ponder such things.  I wonder if everyone had them or if I was just alone in my world of make believe or if it was memories of somewhere lost.

 

The memories remain deeply treasured and locked away in the essence of my being.  Sometimes fragments tumble out accidently, but the secret remains hidden even from the one I love most.  Perhaps, he knows deep down even without me speaking the truth out loud.

 

The truth of course is I am a child trapped in the body and the life of an adult.  I’m sure there are many others like me, but not in the same way.  I just want the sheer simplicity and genuineness of being a child, without having someone to look after me. I want to see things as they are and not have a web of sugar coated fallacies to coax me into a waking slumber.  I want to know the truth, and be able to see the real silver lining, not the one they pretend is there.

 

 I want to see the luster of the stars in the sky with fresh eyes and smell the magic of a summer night for the first time again.  I want those feelings and experiences to last forever.  I want the newness and beauty to be unending. 

I know the truth is that no one knows where to find that, and sometimes it feels pale, bleak and hopeless, even while I clutch the dreams of my youth as I age inside the tomb of night.  I dream incessantly, but I know the days are dimming slowly as I descent into the inevitable.

 

No one wants to admit the inevitable.  I wonder if other animals know the inevitable and if they are unafraid?  Do they know where they are going?  Do they know it is time for unending sleep?

 

Just some random thoughts……………copyrighted because I may take some of these words and eventually make it into some sort of poem….I just felt like writing down my feelings for now….

 

Copyright pisces halcyon 2008

 

I have a confession to make

I have never voted.  I am 28 years old and have had the right for over 10 years now but have never exercised it.  Why?  I have always thought that voting is an illusion of choice, take a look at who are current president is!  I have been considering voting for the first time this year.  The reason is because I really hate the direction my beautiful country is going.

None of the top two candidates appeal to me at all.  They are both bought by their corporate masters and despite the illusion that one of them will “change” things neither will.  It’s the same old bullshit over and over again.

Although I consider myself a civil libertarian, I am considering voting for Ralph Nader.  Why?  You may wonder.  Because he exemplifies my core idea of what is wrong with this country and I believe he has the experience and ideas to change things.  He knows corporations are the problem.  He knows these reasonless wars are wrong.  Will he be president?  No, because our elections are rigged by the electoral votes and corporations.

Why should I bother to vote?  Because I am seriously pissed off and it is a chance to state my opinion that this rigged two party system stinks of fascism.  People need to remove their blindfolds and see what is happening.  Look up the definition of Fascism in wikipedia, and then click on  the link for Authoriatarian government and tell me it doesn’t look strangley familiar.

Bringing down the barriers of A word Part One Conquering the first Myth

I have been told by many people that I am the most positive/happy person they know.  I occasionally rant, but my heart always feels bad afterwards.  Sometimes my rants are based on people denying rationale, or on people judging my lifestyle choices.  I am supremely happy, and I don’t know why so many people want to make other people just as miserable as they are.

I never even realized I had always been an atheist. I used to believe in “the light” from near death experiences because they were based on personal experiences.  I never once thought god was a man, but I thought I believed in god.  I thought there was this force.  Then one day I woke up and asked myself why I was so sure of that.  I had never seen it, and science had never proved it.  It may very well exist, but how can I know for sure?  That brought me to agnositicism.  Then I asserted that of course I really don’t know for sure, but I definitely don’t believe that there is an invisible man sitting in the sky watching everything we do.  I don’t believe in angels, I never have, and frankly I think angels are quite ridiculous.  Unless, of course I use the word to describe my “watchers,” my animals, Joey, the pekingese, Gila, the tabby cat, and Princess the Lynx point Siamese.   They are my “angels.”

I was raised Catholic and always thought church was the creepiest thing from the moment I was forced to go.  I thought everyone looked like they were in a trance, and brainwashed.  This was at 6.  I decided my “church” was outside, and that once my mom let me stop going to church, I would never go again, except for a wedding or a funeral.  Of course, I always say to my husband when we get invited to a wedding, “I hope it’s not in a church.”

Churches are buildings created by men to contain the god they have created to control people.  A god made in their own image, which I think is really arrogant for people to think that the most violent, out of control animals that pollute and desecrate their environments are what the image of the almighty is.  All other animals live in harmony with nature.  We don’t, we have war, famine, disease, rape, abuse, you name it all kinds of fucked up shit.  Don’t you think if there is a god, it would make sense he would be a much more divine entity than a human being?  I don’t know for sure there is not an invisible man in the sky but I hope not.  He sounds mean and scary.

I have seen documentaries mentioning that Jesus never even existed.  My honest answer, I don’t know I wasn’t around 2,000 years ago, but an interesting thing to think about.  If Jesus did in fact exist, I think he was a teacher, not god incarnate.  I think he was loving and accepting, and taught us the principles of relgious pantheism as well as natural or scientific patheism (which is what I believe, yes atheists can have spirtuality) 

Surprised?  That is to defy myth number One “Atheists believe in nothing.”  I believed that myth for years, and that is why I never knew I was one.  You can feel a strong spiritual connection to nature, the sun, moon stars, the universe as a whole.  Keep in mind, not all atheists are spirtitual, and for me it’s not like I go to church or pray.  My version of “church” is jogging around a lake, going camping, hiking, or going to the beach.

 

First off, I believe in Science.   It’s fascinating and exciting, and I don’t understand how religion and science should be at odds with each other.  If there is a god, wouldn’t science unfold the mysteries that lead to him/her/it?

Then I have Ideas.  Not beliefs; ideas and hopes about things I no one knows for sure, like an afterlife.  I would like to hope for reincarnation, and not just to earth.  My ideas are more Sci-Fi and that would be a whole other discussion.  This is why sometimes people think I have my own religion.  My religion is the religion of infinite possiblities in this endless vast and complex universe of ours.  Maybe we don’t reincarnate anywhere, I am cool with just non-existence too.  I think after a long healthy and happy life, it would be the eternal break that we may need especially after everyone you love is gone.

So hopefully, this breakdown of My myth number One will let anyone see that “Atheists believe in Nothing” is a very ignorant comment.  Now that you are educated please tell your friends, and family that atheists and agnostics are real Americans.  Some people don’t think that they are, and guess what we are growing…..

I used to say things like, “Some people don’t believe in ghosts, but some people have actually seen ghosts but no one has ever seen god.”  Of course, I’m not sure about ghosts, but have had a few spooky experiences that may have been real, or may just have been a glitch in the Matrix.  Looking back at some of these ideas I had, I have never changed.  I was always the dreaded A word.

Only recently have I “come out” as an atheist.  There is a lot of stigma attached to the word, and it is seriously misunderstood.  It needs to end.  I don’t have a problem with what people believe, even if I don’t agree with it as long as they don’t try to convert me.  I must be honest, I think some of the stuff is a little off the wall, and will only discuss that with fellow nonbelievers and would not ever be disrespect to anyone.

Now in my writing you are going to get my thoughts.  I am not debating these are my uncensored thoughts.  I rationally believe that organized religion is evil and is voluntary insanity or brainwashing at its finest.  I don’t know how people can question things that have been proven.  If I hear evolution is just a theory one more time I am going to scream!  I never heard that until I moved here.  There is evidence, and why is it at odds with god if there is one?  It’s not if there is a god he didn’t wave a magic wand, and poof there was existence.  Why is it so hard to believe these are the processes that were used?  Anyone who denys evolution is fucking nuts, delusional, in denial, or stupid.  That is my opinion, and it is going to offend people,  which I find absolutely ridiculous that science offends people.  At least admit these were the processes that your “god” used.  I don’t have a problem with god, (I just don’t believe in an invisible guy in the sky) but I do have a problem with idiots. 

Speaking of idiots, there are probably lots of typos because I am running on only four hours of sleep.  Everyone has their moments.  This is one of mine.  If you’re going to be an idiot it is awesome to at least take responsibility for your idiotic actions, but I guess that is what seperates true idiots from people who simply make mistakes.

I love Chipotle

Okay so I am really hungry right now, and I am a bit obsessed with Chipotle normally though.  Ironically, I never used to want to eat there because I am not a huge burrito fan.  I didn’t realize they had tacos for the longest time because I am stupid and wouldn’t go in there because I thought it was just burritos. 

I remember the first time I saw they had tacos.  I thought I was being “bad” because I ordered the hard tacos.  I love tortilla chips and I know how they are fried etc and not the best thing you can eat.  I usually eat pretty healthy and am a flexitarian. 

Most of the time I eat NO meat at all but sometimes I will eat very small amounts of chicken and fish.  Sometimes I go months without any meat.  I never eat mammals.  I think it is gross and sort of like cannibalism because we are mammals.  If other people want to have rotting corpses of other mammals in their digestive system, they can go for it.  No one is going to make me eat it though.

Anyways, back to the first time I had the tacos.  So here is how I order them:  Rice, (their rice is sooo good) Black beans, pico (mild salsa), guacamole, cheese, and lettuce.  It is surprisely excellent if made in that specific order.  I usually take it home and put my favorite hot sauce, Cholula on them and drink a Corona or some Ice tea. 

It costs us about 13 dollars to take out versus 20 dollars to sit in, so we usually take out.  Who would have thought a medium Sweet Tea and a Large soda for my husband would add up to 7 dollars?  It’s 7 dollars that I don’t want to pay so that will leave more money to have more Chipotle at least 2 times a week!  It’s cheaper than going out, and everything is organic and tasty.  Yum! Yum! Yum!

Surprisingly, the two healthiest items on the menu are the Burrito Bowls, and the Hard Tacos!  I was delighted to find that out, so I budget at 800 calories for every meal at eat at Chipotle not counting the drink and then eat light the rest of the day.  It is worth it.

So I am pretty sure no one is reading this blog, but if anyone ever does.  They will know how obsessive compulsive I really am.  Which, is not a bad thing to most people it is mildly entertaining.  I don’t think there are too many people out there who act like kids in a good way, don’t want kids or their own, are atheist, libertarian, and vegetarian all at the same time, and really clumsy in a slapstick funny kind of way.  At least, I am not boring, right?

I’m not saying that I am unique in a special way or anything, just weird.  I have never been able to hide it, so I have stopped trying to fight it, and now it’s here for the world to see.  For better or worse, and if people don’t like it, too bad.  I tried so hard to be “normal” and if people can’t accept me as I am, they aren’t worth knowing anyway.

My new project is making me crack up!

For some reason I find the book I am illustrating and writing absolutely hilarious.  A friend said that when writing a kid’s book silly is a good thing.  I hope she is right because I am feeling incredibly silly.  I laugh everytime I draw a cat with a horn.  For some reason it just cracks me up. 

Living with the inspiration for the unicorn cat doesn’t help either.  It doesn’t help that I also live with the inspiration for the guardian cat, and the two horned monkey lion too!  They are so funny!  Animals just make me laugh.  Today, the real unicorn cat stretched out one of her “webbed paws”  at me and was purring as I pet her head asking her where she was hiding her horn.  Yes, her paws are shaped kind of funny. I call them the “webbed paws” because they sort of look like duck feet. 

She is the cutest kitty in the world.  She is getting a bit too chubby though.  I want her to be healthy and I don’t know if I need to switch her food or what.  It seems that she is naturally small boned with a pouchy little belly though so it could just be her genetics. 

She is actually a wild cat, as in feral.  She was found wandering in a vineyard on the West coast of Florida.  I can’t imagine how cute it would be to see her in the wild, and I know for a fact she was not an easy one to capture.  We got her at a rescue organization called “For the Love of Cats.”  When we first got her, I thought she hated me.  She spit at me everytime I would even look at her.  I worked hard to win her love.

Every morning after we got her, I would wake up 30 minutes early to play with her.  (Not an easy feat at all for a natural night person.)  My husband said I was dedicated.  At first we kept her in the big walk in closet in our bedroom, and I would go in there with one of those gloves with the strings on it every morning.  Eventually she decided to love me, and now she is actually the friendliest cat in the house!

A little background on the main character of the adventures of the unicorn cat.  I may reveal soon how she become known as the unicorn cat…..it’s a really silly silly story.

Started writing my new book.

I am currently practicing my illustrations, and wrote the first draft of the first children’s book in the series that will be called, “Adventures of the Unicorn Cat.”  I am really excited and much of it is taken from my own life, of course with a big fantasical twist….  It is about my children, Princess, aka the unicorn cat, Gila, aka the silent guardian, and Joey aka the two horned monkey-lion.  It is always and adventure when you have animals.

I am very grateful that I have a husband who is happy to let me come home and act like I am five.  He is wonderful, and is my sweet soul mate.  He thinks it is cute and funny when I sing to them and when I put them in “school.”  Tonight’s “lesson” was letting them know who is in “charge” when mommy and daddy are not home…lol.  Gila, of Course he lays the smack down, he will whack the other two on the head when we aren’t around to give them showers with the spray bottle.  Princess is the Queen of Mischief and Joey pees on the floor.   Gila is fresh sometimes but mostly he is an angel kitty.  He is who this blog is name after….

Cats really are beautiful silent guardian watchers. I also love the unconditional beautiful love of my eternal baby, Joey the peke-a-bear.  They are so sweet and fun to watch together.  Every day is entertaining when you have animals.

An introduction to the world of wordpress

Hello, my name is angelkitty.  I selected my name because I think animals are angels hiding their wings underneath their fur.  Not literally though.  I am actually an agnostic atheist (technically a pantheist which is a spiritual type of atheism) and do not believe in angels or any other invisibile creatures.   I am open to many different ideas of reality but do not accept the “traditional” ideas of reality.  I think for myself, and some people would think that I actually have thought up my own religion instead. 

Anyways I absolutely love animals.  There are five animals in my house, me, my wonderful husband, my dog and 2 kitties.  Yes, you heard me right I am an animal, and newsflash so are all other human beings too.  The other animals probably think that we are weird because we wear clothes, and do other things that are not in harmony with nature.  However, I am not a nudist, because I am always cold, even though I live in South Florida.  My husband would like it if I was, but he will have to settle for black lace at a bare minimum.  Mostly I wear lots of sundresses which keep me warm enough, because hey it is Florida.

My husband and are rather eccentric.  Not only are we atheists, but we are childfree.  That is more shocking to most people than anything.  I wish people would stop assuming that just because we are married we want kids.  I don’t hate kids, with the exception of tantrum throwing toddlers; I choose to distance myself from those creatures.  I just have never wanted any  kids since I was a little girl.  I have no motherly instinct whatsoever, and I have never thought that babies are cute.  There are a few babies that are cute, but definitely not all of them.  I myself, was a really ugly baby and so was my husband.  Thankfully, we look much better now.

I recently got essure done, I am 28 and have no regrets.  I have felt much more relaxed since I know I don’t have to worry anymore about having kids I don’t want in the first place.  Ironically, I have entertained the idea of adopting an older kid (7 and up)someday which is much to the dismay of a lot of other childfree people, because I think I would make a decent parent and I would love to help out someone that is already here.  Although, I know parenthood of any kind is not all roses and I am definitely on the fence even regarding adoption.  I am leaning more towards no but I do still entertain the idea every once in a while.

Yes, my husband and I are weird in many ways.  To top off the list we are also artists and libertarians.  I have never voted and do not plan to ever vote, unless of course Jesse Ventura were to run for president.  I agree with the late great George Carlin and think he was right when he said, “Voting is an illusion of Choice.”  Some people think I am ridiculous or a conspiracy nut, but I just see things as they are.  The ones with the most toys control the world.  They always have and always will.  Our beautiful country is slowly descenting into corporatism, (corporate fascism) and I think in 20 years or so I will have to seriously consider moving somewhere else in the world.

Politicians don’t care about the people.  All they care about is money, power and greed.  Including Obama, or especially Obama; he almost had me fooled because I wanted to believe but I think he is even more full of shit than the others.  I also think he has that dangerous way of convincing people to do things in the way that sociopaths have.  McCain isn’t any better.  They are all full of shit, pardon my language.

Well, that just brings me to another thing: Words are just words.  Words become swears, cussing, or curse words because of the connotations they suggest.  Swearing is not immoral, and if you don’t like it you may not want to read this fucking blog.  I do think that they are words to indicate anger or when you can’t think of anything better to say though.  I don’t often swear in my poetry, but I do in my short stories and blogs.  Believe it or not, we still have freedom of speech but I wonder how long before that disappears.

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