The truth

I just bought a house.  I have a wonderful husband and wonderful animals.  I have a decent paying job and am actually doing well in this economy.  The reason is because I work in the depresssing credit counseling industry.  And the truth is…

I’m fucking depressed.  I have been sucking down PINK champagne (it’s australian) with berries soaking in it at least two nights a week for at least 3 weeks!  I’m sick of being hungover.  I’m sick of being drunk.  It doesn’t have the same thrill anymore.  I want to stop.  So I am going to lay off for a while.

I have also been eating Xanax like candy.  I am so sick of my day job.  I won’t ever be happy unless I am a writer.  I don’t think I will ever get there.  I have no idea how anyone could find my weird ideas entertaining.  I will probably never publish a book because the publishers will probably think, “what a freak this crap is never going to sell.”  Because everything is about money.  EVERYTHING.

I know money is FAKE.  It is the biggest lie ever and a tool used to enslave humanity.  We were not meant to live this way.  I have hated money since I was like 5.  I have thought religion was creepy since I was 3.  These are the two biggest lies on Earth, number 1.  Money 2. Religion

Because I think that money is evil, and that we should live in a Resource Based Economy because there is NO food shortage.  Just greedy corporate gangsters controlling basic human needs.  Because we are SLAVES.  Slaves to our day jobs.

If there was no money, I would still work provided I was still getting food, water, shelter, entertainment, etc.  I would still help people.  I am not a lazy person, so working doesn’t bother me.  I would be able to work for myself if there was no money. I could cook or write.  People would be entertained by my thoughts because they’d get them for free.  It might offer more opportunity to get your words and ideas out there if there was no money.

However, it brings a lot of questions about power, control and greed inherent in the human consciousness and I know nothing will ever be perfect.  I often think I wasn’t meant to be here.  I just don’t fit into this world they have created.  By they I mean whoever is behind the whole scheme of getting us to do things for green pieces of paper that we wouldn’t normally do.  People jeopardize their morals for paper meaningless paper.  The bankers, the corporations, the true scumbags who run everything.  I feel like stealing because prices are high, and they are stealing from us.  They are making a profit off of basic human necessities like food, and cleaning supplies and it is pissing me the FUCK off.

Anyways, society itself is depressing me.  There just has to be a better way to live.  We are the ones who buy into their reality, why not create our own?  People are too scared and non-creative and selfish to come up with something better I guess.  If only everyone was filled with peace in their heart instead of war.

The biggest reason I am depressed though is my body.  I hate my stomach, my boobs, my fat thighs and huge ass.  I don’t feel sexy anymore ever.  I can’t lose weight even though I work out.  I also think I look ugly.  I don’t know how my husband can find me attractive at all.  The last time we had sex all I could think about was my belly jiggling.  It made me want to throw up.  I think the reason I can’t lose weight is STRESS and booze.  If my boobs get any bigger I swear I am going to cut them off. 

I am also sick of not wearing jeans. I wear dresses all the time.  Because I am FAT.  The jeans they make now are all tapered and made for people with no asses.  My stomach is too pouchy to wear anything.  I don’t know how I got this fat.

I feel like just quitting working out.  I feel like a hamster on a wheel.  The weather here has been rainy and shitty and I can’t work out outside.  The IPOD is also broken.  We need a new one. 

Okay enough pissing and moaning.  Hopefully I can get off the bottle this week, and stop fantasizing about psychodelics.  I don’t have a clue how I ended up this depressed.  I swear I must be bipolar.

Enjoying my first sunny weekend in our new home!

Wow!  We own this place.  I don’t think that the term homeowner has sunk in yet.  My husband is outside mowing our lawn right now.  It doesn’t quite feel like home yet.  Although I am not too sure about what that feels like anymore.

Yeah, the economy is in shambles, but somehow thanks to the FHA first time homebuyer’s loan we wound up in our new home.  We are also helping the economy with our purchase.  Homeownership is filled with start up expenses, a lawnmower, a grill, and various other things you don’t really think about, also eventually a dishwasher.  I am thinking I may want to just sign my checks over to Home Depot….

I have been super stressed because of all the expenses.  Last night my husband forced me to go out to eat and order drinks.  We went to Applebee’s not because we like chains, but because of the two for one drinks.  The food is okay for a chain.  The only exception of course to the “no chain” rule is the almight Chipotle.

We also went to see Religuous.  Not sure if I spelt that right…It was a brilliant movie.  I think Bill Maher is a hero.  I was glad to see there are others out there who think that religion is a neurological disorder.  I have always called it, “various delusions of voluntary insanity.”  I have tried to hide my feelings from people for fear of offending them, but guess what Religion offends ME.  It is going to be the End Times because these crazy people won’t stop fighting each other. 

Something that really scares me is- Sarah Palin one breath away from the Whitehouse.  It is causing me to once again consider voting for Obama.  However, I can’t forget that he did reauthorize the Patriot act and voted for FISA.   I know that Nader does not have a chance.  Yes, my first vote would be the lesser of two evils.  I actually don’t have so much a problem with McCain as I do with that crazy evolution denying twit breeder he has chosen as his running mate.  The thought of her in the whitehouse makes me cringe.  Although I still don’t know if I believe our votes actually matter anyways.  I only registered because I am a homeowner now, paying property taxes in Palm Beach county. 

 I need to at least vote locally.  I don’t have a clue what the local issues are.  The only thing I do know from googling is that the Lake Worth commissioner is an anarchist cheerleader.  I thought that was pretty damn cool and unexpected.