The Perils of a Godless Liberal

I am so sick of capitalist pigs who worship the god of money under the guise of their false theism. Especially people that hide under the false pretense of non-profit status with for profit motiffs. I am sick of answering to the shadow government for all my actions- corporations! They own the country. The people need to take the power back. I take this seriously because I get in trouble if I don’t bow down to the Capitalist pigs and do what they say. My job is to protect the consumer, not to serve the agenda of false promise. (money, power, greed, etc.) I don’t want to take it in the ass. I refuse to. I will not ever kiss corporate ass, that is what is wrong with this world. Fuck corporations. Fuck them so hard. Where is my motherfucking bail out? They have no rights to profits. I hope they all go under.

We need to have power to the people, not the corporate slime. Throw them all in jail, throw away the key. Let them fuck each other in every orifice, as they jump up at hundred dollar bills trying to reach the top. Let them kill each other trying. Corporations can all go fuck themselves.
And I am the one with no morals? Seriously I am just so sick of Repukelicans and theists, and sick of hearing God Bless America. What about just living life in peace? I’m just sick of this world sometimes. Their god is paper and for them god grows on trees. His eyes are on every corner. Fuck the G of the E.

Seriously what is the big deal?

Why is everyone switching to facebook from myspace? I really am not too keen on it. It seems like a big ol’ high school reunion. I know some of my friends on myspace I went to high school with but very few. I really have no interest in reconnecting with people other than the ones I have already reconnected with or maintained contact with.

It’s not that high school was bad. It’s just that I am so different now, and in some ways still the same. Perhaps it is because I will just never move back to my hometown ever again. It just doesn’t and never has felt like home for me. I was not meant to live where it snows. I just don’t see the point in reconnecting.

I will probably have nothing in common with most people. Yes, I’m married but I am not living the typical life script. I just kind of view the past as the past….I’m doing well. I hope everyone else is too, but I just have nothing to say. What is there to talk about? Memories?

I also have a lot of problems others don’t have. Perhaps the fact that my childhood was painful, not because of school but because of my parents and their constant fighting. As a result, I don’t like to think about the time before I met my husband.

Most people other than my 2 best friends, know nothing or were oblivious to my psychological abuse and my dad’s illness. I love my dad very much. He is the most generous kind hearted person I know. He has problems though. (so do I.) He should have never been married to my mom. She was never nurturing to anyone. Thus, fighting ensued.

Now, I am an agoraphobic mess. Agoraphobic the word itself sounds crazy. I have nicknamed it “Selfish Baby Disorder.” It prevents me from living my life to the fullest and from going anywhere alone except for work (Darwinian survivial mode wins over agoraphobia with much trepidation.) or the gym. (the fear of being obese or getting diabetes wins over agoraphobia but not without further problems.) I can also go other places with Adam, Heather, Jared, Nikki (when she comes to visit) or Clint (if he comes to visit ever.) These are my “safe” people right now.

I can’t even go to the grocery store alone without having a panic attack! I am so fearful when Adam goes to SFO! Thoughts race through my head and I am just petrified into a constant state of panic.

Selfish Big Baby Disorder

I never knew there was anything abnormal about my behavior. I thought it was just a personality quirk. Apparently I am agoraphobic. It is hard to say, it makes me sound so incredibly crazy.

I don’t go out alone, unless it is to places I am familiar with like the work or the gym. At the gym though, I often leave before I would like to because it is just too crowded. I hate crowds. Crowds make people look like bugs swarming from all directions. It makes me really dizzy. I feel like people are always trying to walk right into me.

I also am terrified of being home alone. I loathe shopping and get really dizzy and disoriented most of the time when I go with my husband or another trusted friend. I enjoy going out to eat and going on vacations, but not ever alone. I don’t do anything alone except work or the gym. Sometimes I will ride my bicycle in my neigborhood around the lake. That is about it…..

Now my husband is going on a business trip to San Franscisco. Not only am I jealous because I love San Franscisco, but I am terrified because that means I will be home all alone. My best friend is supposed to come visit for a few days, but I don’t know if I can handle the last few days by myself.

I am absolutely terrified of someone breaking into the house. I am afraid of dying in my sleep because I took accidentally too many pills to sleep. (For insomnia) I am afraid of the dark. This house is too big for me all by myself. What would I do without Adam?

I would drink every single night. I would smoke weed to take my mind off being alone. I would never be sober. That is how my life was the one time I lived alone for 5 months.

I always thought agoraphobia meant a person who doesn’t ever leave their home. I guess that is only in extreme cases. I leave my home, just not alone.

Hilariously, there is a support group for agoraphobics in N. Palm Beach! I thought it must be online. I would be waaaay to scared to go. In my opinion anyone who is there is either recovering from agoraphobia, has a trusted person with them or is not agoraphobic. I would never go to a support group alone. I think I have every anxiety disorder possible. I think also social phobia too. Damn, I’m crazy.

Enough with others trying to dictate my life, I know myself better than they do.

Finally, I found a doctor who will listen to me! I am so happy to not feel judged anymore. I have done so much research on Generalized Anxiety and Insomnia together and have found suprising research. Yes, Xanax works for some people if you know how to be responsible with it. It really works the best for me, SSRI’s (anti-depressants), Buspar (made me have projectile vomit), Beta Blockers, (made me whoozy and dizzy) Anti-Psychotics (should not be taken by ANYONE not even if you are psychotic and I am not, too many permanent side effects and damage to your brain) do not work for me. I am scared to take Ambien and Lunesta because I have heard of Sleep driving, Sleep eating, etc. I refuse to go on anything that will make me gain weight. I would rather get run over by a truck than gain 40lbs. Not that there is anything wrong with people that are overweight, but I work hard (work out 4 days a week) and no medication is going to negate that! Plus I have issues with my mom and her constant weight comparisons…that is for another time.

To make it very clear, I got my damn tubes tied because I gained a shit ton of weight from the pill. I refused to take the pill ever again. I got surgery instead. No weight gain meds for this chica….

Anyways, I have been prescribed Xanax XR for my Generalized Anxiety and Insomnia. For me, it is a wonder drug. I wake up fully alert and I feel like a normal human being. I don’t ever feel high. That is not why I take it. I take the lowest possible effective dose and only take it as needed for insomnia, PMDD, or Panic attacks. It is a lifesaver. Usually I take .5 mg to 1mg on a really bad day/night.

Today I took 2mg, but I had an HSG (a really painful X-ray where they shove a tube up your twat to see if you are sterile.) I have also had some tequila, but this is not a typical day. This is a surgery type day.

I was surprised to read reviews on Revolution Health that the people who take it for insomnia (which is what I mostly take it for) take the lowest possible dose and it has been effective without causing addiction.

I don’t think I have an addictive personality. I lived alone once and drank every single night for 5 months. I drank a whole bottle of wine!!! I never became an alcoholic. Some people would say I am lucky, but I totally think at least part of this addiction thing is mind over matter.

I am resilient and have a strong mind. I am careful about listening to my body and know when enough is enough. If I ever become addicted to anything, I will update this blog and admit I was wrong. You know why, because I am not afraid to accept full responsibility for my flaws and mistakes. The reason is because I am an adult. Most people are too embarassed to do that, therefore most people are children, however I have no shame.

To go onto another subject, so far I am pleasantly surprised with President Obama. I respect him for being honest to the American people and telling us he “screwed up.” I love his stance on women’s rights and hope he continues to do well. Bush would have made excuses for himself, and never would have admitted error. That is why he was the worst president ever!