Florida, the Most Fucked Up State, Life on America’s Penis!

I finally posted this topic on a message board.  I will repost it here once everything is compiled.  People keep adding to it and it is so funny!  I might write a book about how fucked up Florida is, who knows? Lol.

Inner Peace

I need to change my attitude and get some confidence.  I realized I find hope in new things, like most people I live in the future.  I have lived far too long in the future and it is time to come into the present and do the best I can to make myself happy. 

Things have gotten better since last year and my life is better than most people’s, I’m lucky.  For some reason, I am married to this guy who is sick in love with me and he is absolutely wonderful.  If he sees something in me, then there must be something about me that is wonderful too, right?  I work part-time, so far I have a 4.0 gpa and am an honors student.  I own my house about 4 miles from the beach where it doesn’t ever snow and I live with four adorable fur animals.

But I’m not happy. ……    For that I have no one to blame but myself.  I never finish anything I start because I don’t think I will be good enough.  I am always convinced that I say, ask, or look stupid in the process of learning something new and I get discouraged.  Or someone important like a professor will criticize me and I will get all upset and think I am destined to fail, so I quit before I do.  I don’t understand why I place other people and their opinions so high and it needs to end.  Happiness comes for within and I need to find a way to achieve that.

There is nothing cuter than kittens

Today at hell, (work) I fooled them all by playing their game.  It is necessary to do that every once in a while to make them think I still care.  It’s quite funny when Mr. Cock and Balls tells me I’m right because he usually thinks he is always right and revels in proving others wrong.  Today he told me I was right and I smiled from here all the way back to California in satisfaction.

And in more depressing news, a Self Discovery….(self discovery is always good even though it is depressing.)

At school, my self esteem and panic are getting in the way there too.  It sucks because I want to learn a new vocation.  I realized I make stupid mistakes and I get really bent out of shape.  Recently several people if not most I encounter ask me why I am so hard on myself.  I finally figured out why………It wasn’t even because of my dad, his illness, and his incessant fighting with my mom.  I understand why someone would constantly fight with her. 

I doubt myself because of her constantly telling me that I’m a “Ditz,” or “Such a blonde,” or “Such a dumb blonde,” constantly followed by laughter.  However, she does still does it almost everytime I see her and she is not joking.  It’s sounds like such a stupid reason to have a low self-esteem, but it is the way she says it. 

My mom hates me.  She wants me to fail because she hates my dad and she hates that she stayed with him because of me and my sister.  My sister has serious problems and always has since she was born, but I think my mom has always been jealous of me.  She is the reason I barely have any female friends and since I’m married that means none at all.  She is the reason I hate shopping and I’m not like most women, because I don’t want to be anything like her. She is a selfish, spiteful, histrionic poor excuse for a woman because deep down she hates herself and she wants me to hate myself just as much as she hates herself. 

Below is what I’d love my mother to know, although she’d probably burst into tears because she wouldn’t be able to handle the truth about who she is. 

At least I know the truth about who I am……I have a low self esteem, I can come off as cold to strangers, snooty, and very picky about everything at my worst, and I learned it from you….Those are some of my faults, I’m sure not all, but it doesn’t make me cry, because the truth doesn’t hurt it helps clear the way to search for the  lost light within.  I’m going to slowly piece myself back together, but you won’t even admit anything is wrong and you probably wouldn’t care.  I often wonder why you brought me into this world in the first place.  Probably because you loved the idea of having a baby and then I grew up into exactly the opposite of what you are while still expressing some of your nasty traits in my flaws.

Well, mom you have succeeded for a long time, congratulations.  I know you are happy especially now that I’m no longer in your life.  You have the perfect boyfriend who has the perfect daughter, she’s a size 2 like you always wanted to be, she’s an honor student but has no clue what the word “implement” means, she’s not artistic at all which means she probably won’t ever smoke pot or drink at all, she probably goes to church to and believes in an invisible man in the sky.  Last but not least, she will probably breed you a ton of grandchildren because no matter what you say, you want me to breed because you are obsessed with babies and think everyone else should be too.  You want me to be as miserable as you used to be, because you are still obsessed with the Xtian idea that life is supposed to be suffering.

You stopped loving me when I wasn’t a baby so I grew to dislike babies. I also think they are ugly and I don’t understand why you think they are cuter than kittens.  There is nothing cuter than kittens……

I have decided that since you don’t want to see my new home and you haven’t made any effort to see me in over a year, it’s over.  I am only civil to you because of my grandmother.  I hope grandma lives forever but I know she won’t, and when she is gone, I’m through.  I’m out of your life for good.  You know it, I know it.  I’m not shitting out any grandkids so you have no reason to look forward to having any sort of relationship with me.  I have tried and it is fruitless and painful. 

If I let you go I can start moving on with my life.  I can’t accept you for how you act and you can’t accept me for who I am.  I don’t want to torment myself anymore with trying to make you love me.  I have a wonderful husband and I connect with him on a level that most people can’t comprehend.  I have what most people search their whole lives for right in front of me and I’m going to enjoy it rather than dwell on the past.

I’m going to become the light that my husband sees for everyone else too.  I’m going to be who I am- Quirky, Silly, Philosophical, (so I am told by someone very smart, anyway) Intelligent, Playful, Unique, Clever……..wow, right now it is really hard to think of 10 but it’s a start I guess.  I’m also not going to hide who I am in fear, either people will accept me how I am or not at all.

Edited and Deleted

Today I went through all my posts and edited and deleted the ones that were either poorly written or no longer felt relevant to my life.  It seems my place of work, almost exactly one year ago today (November 16, 2008) was the day I realized that the place I work is completely full of shit.  Although, I cried the day I got the job so deep down I guess I always knew.  Everything seemed to fall into its righteously full of shit place right after I bought and had been living in my home about a month.  It sucks that I am still there.  I couldn’t delete the posts about my work because my work plays a big role in making me miserable.

Going through I also noticed 2008 was such a fucked up year!  I am so glad its over!  2009 (I know its not over yet but close) is so much better!  It helped to notice that even though things still suck at work that life in general is getting better.  Being part-time at work helps I suppose even though it doesn’t feel like it does.  I’m sure I would have been hospitalized if I was forced to work there full-time still.  The politics and demands of that place would have truly driven my mind off some non-existent cliff in Florida. Hee!

I also deleted/edited a lot of my political commentary because the truth is that I really don’t care anymore.  I think I just got caught up in the 2008 election because I was so fed up with “W.”  I am really liberal but I think all mainstream politics are just full of shit and not worth my commentary.  I always end up repeating myself with corporatism, corporatism, corporations are evil, blah, blah, blah.  Honestly I don’t have much else to say and it probably gets boring after a while. lol.

I deleted a list of “projects” I was working on because I honestly feel I am so fickle and downtrodden I will never complete anything.  My aspirations are firmly rooted in reality.  I think a tiny part of me still had that religious “there is a purpose for everything” mentality lingering from childhood, so I was often deluded with ideas that I must do something spectacular with my life to change the world.  When in reality, all we can do is change the world little by little by simply not being destructive assholes and respecting other people. 

It sounds a bit depressing that I have lost my dreams, however I feel it is part of growing up, accepting things the way the are.  Not accepting that the world is a good place like some people, because it is not; but accepting that there is so much wrong that there is very little one person can do to change other than a little at a time.

My dream was to write a book or a screenplay that was made into some epic movie that would change the world.  Wow, it looks so ridiculous now that I’ve written it down.  Simply because its not like a movie would succeed in ending any of the world’s problems!  The Wachowski Brothers wrote the Matrix and it didn’t change the world, I guess it got people to think, but mostly it made the Wachowski Brothers rich and famous. 

I don’t want to be rich and famous.  I just want to be left alone by most people.  I have become rather misanthropic, sometimes apathetic but deep down I will admit I still wish the world would change, there’s just not much I can do about it.  When you can’t do anything about a situation that does have a tendency to lead to apathy, I guess.

What I really want is independence in my own life and to not get upset all the time by other people controlling me in a work environment.  It would be great to write something for a living so I don’t have to work for other people.  I hate anyone telling me what to do and my work is a dictatorship or more aptly put- a DICKtatorship run by Mr. Cock and Balls and Mr. Crazy Bells.  Oh, I think that’s a new character actually!  

I haven’t thought of Mr. Crazy Bells, (or Crazy Bells for short) profile completely yet.  Crazy Bells is the owner of the company I work for.  He is part Michael Scott from The Office and a touch of many other things.  He’s too complex to thing of a complete profile for now.  His profile will most likely be an entire page, I guess his profile will be coming soon…

***NOTES for later- However, Crazy Bells isn’t exactly in charge, he listens to everything Mr. Cock and Balls says.  He just owns the company, he says random shit and doesn’t bother me too much.  Classic White American Capitalist Pig who used to work for a bank and now runs his non-profit agency like a bank.  Oh and I had Margaritas with him once so he likes me for now…

More Characters in Hell.

Ms. Bitch- A brown noser who has her nose so far up managers/owners assholes while she is simultaneously massaging their taint.  Also a Breeder of the most spoiled rotten piece of crotchfruit hell child to ever walk  the planet.  Has a really annoying dorky husband who is a salesman.  She also wears the clear heels (you know the hoe shoes Chris Rock talks about?) to work, along with short dresses and a huge fumpa belly.  Brazilian, thinks that makes her extra special.   She has to bring it up CONSTANTLY!  If she likes it so much why doesn’t she just go back?  No, she definitely does not look like a hot Brazilian model in no way shape or form.

Mr. Cock and Balls- Manager of all the departments who looks down on anyone who speaks less than 2 languages.  Will only hire people that speak 2 or more languages. Often caught discriminates against women and black folks, but it can’t be documented so there is nothing that can be done. From India speaks Spanish, some form of Chinese, English and Hindi, thinks he is superior because of his international acclaim.  Doesn’t pronounce his “R’s they sound like”"W’’s” and likes to say the words, ERROR and the phrase “What the hell?” in a really loud demeaning way.  Also makes personal calls to his credit card company asking for an interest rate reduction because he thinks they actually care about his account.  News Flash….All Credit Card companies care about is making money, and you about all should know that dumbass! Is also a capitalist pig who likes to smooze up cozy to loan officers while rubbing their taint.  A major entitlement minded arrogant ass.

I hate everything

My Hellhole of a Workplace makes me hate everything!

I don’t remember the day my idealism died, it was somewhere at the end of September or the beginning of October.  I get more misanthropic, nihilist and apathetic every day.  I’m not depressed though it does sound weird saying that I’m not.  However, I love my life, with my husband, the very few friends I have, nature, and my animals.  I just hate pretty much everything else. 

Most people are too wrapped up in their own selfish little universes to even have a meaningful conversation.  Ridiculous rap music has annihilated the airwaves and the masses have succumbed to its anti-intellectual (lacking poetic meaning) charms.  The only thing that matters to most people is money, clothes, religion, kids, breeding, sports, (I honestly could care less and so could my husband sorry) and doing whatever ever they please regardless of who it hurts. 

People lack morals, especially all the ridiculously deluded jackasses that go to church every weekend.  I fucking hate church, and I fucking hate hearing about it.  In fact I’m so shocked anyone would willingly choose to go to a place so infested with zombies and cannabilism.

The First Character I want to smack all the way out of the universe—

Of course, I’m referring to the dumb misogynistic asshole that sits behind me at work.  I don’t want to hear about your holy desire to be married in a church and church this and church that.   You are a fucking hypocrite, just admit to yourself and to others that you care only about yourself.  I don’t know what illusion you have conceived to convince some desperate woman to marry you.  Oh yeah, that is right, you made sure to saddle her down with sprogs before  actually making your commitment official in front of your gawd.  She does have to be pretty stupid to buy into your lies, especially because you were saying that the famous Ghetto Princess of CCMS has such nice titties.  Oh yeah, I wanted to be in earshot for that.   It wasn’t bad enough that the Ghetto Princess herself showed me some racy pictures of herself  before she got fired for using client’s credit cards.  I also love hearing you talk  about how all American men should marry women from other countries, because that way they will get a woman that cooks for them stays home with kids and treats them right.  Although, I’m 120% sure you will still cheat on the poor unsuspecting woman you have trapped in your web of misogyny. 

Yes, you sir are a prime example of everything that is wrong with the world!  A person with no redeeming qualities whatsoever and you choose to breed more genetic replicas of yourself into this slowly dying planet we call Earth.  You make attempts at being funny that just well….aren’t at all.  The problem is that everyone else thinks people like you who choose to live in the ghetto, who are proud of it, (like my poor mentally ill sister, although you don’t even have that as an excuse) who love to talk in Spanglish to make other people feel like outsiders are breeding yourselves into the majority.  I must add this rant is not about Spanish people, but about ghetto people from all walks of life who are an insult to the human race like yourself.  You are crude, nasty, overweight, and constantly gorging yourself on the excesses of modern American life- fast food, fast women, and knowingly buying stolen electronics.  Everyone thinks you are cool, but I don’t.

Mr. Ghetto Fabulous

I just want out of this ghetto hellhole I work in. I want to slap everyone that works there to the moon.  I’m so angry.  I need to be drugged up just to function.  I’m the office Benzo Queen. In fact  my name is Ms. X,  as in constant stream of Xanax.  I only need it when I am down in this pit of hell.