So, Friday night I finally admitted and realized that I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I need to go back on daily long acting anti-anxiety agents. Luckily, I still have some Xanax XR, unfortunately Xanax XR costs a fortune and so does my doctor, but it’s better than feeling hopelessly overwhelmed, contstantly keyed up and lacking a sex drive. Interestingly enough a 1mg XR doesn’t do anything for me, but a 2mg XR seems to be a little much. Too much is better than not enough so I’m going to tell the doctor I need 2mg.
The good thing is that I don’t have to worry about addiction like regular Xanax. The thing that makes me feel guilty is when I’m not having a stressful day sometimes the 2mg makes me a little euphoric. It feels wonderful. The 1mg doesn’t conquer the anxiety at all. The euphoria only happens if I’m not in a stressful situation. For example, it started kicking in yesterday after I had the most mind blowing sex of my life. Of course I’d be super relaxed after that right? It was smooth sailing euphoria for a couple hours after that, then I felt normal again. Thank you old Catlick for making me feel like I did something wrong.
I realized how much of a rut I’d been in. My sex life was starting to be boring and I was questioning whether being with the same person for 6 years had something to do with that. I wasn’t craving other people though, I was just not interested at all. I talked to Adam about it and he said he thought it was the anxiety. He said I have been a major stress case since all the shit happened at the end of last year. We then decided I needed my long acting meds and even discussed going on Klonopin again, but after yesterday I don’t think Klonopins a good idea. I lost my sex drive with that. XR seems to not have that effect at all…..
It is wonderful being so close to someone and loving someone so much that you can talk about things like that. I basically told him I was bored with our sex life and that it was both of our faults, but mostly my lack of desire. I was crying and getting upset.Little did I know that Saturday would be the best sex I’d ever had ever! It even beat out sex on one of the world’s most beautiful beaches in Hawaii! Sure that was great but physically yesterday I was on a different plane…not once but twice once in the afternoon and once in the evening.
Not trying to get all graphic but my faith in marriage has been thoroughly restored. In marriage, there are rough patches, boring patches (that was what I had been feeling for a few months) extremely difficult patches, and then there are be patches where you feel amazingly connected to your husband or wife, not just sexually but emotionally as well. Luckily, I always feel amazingly emotionally connected to Adam regardless of how our sex life is. I know that the emotional connection is what lays the seeds to have mind blowing sex occasionally when every day life is not getting in the way.
However, the most important thing is to make sure not to get caught up in the problems of every day life and never forget why you fell in love . The first item is the hardest because every day life will shit on you and make you feel like life is not worth living sometimes. I never have never forgotten the 2nd one though….Wow, this is starting to sound like an advice column but for me it is really just a cathartic release of pent up anxiety that’s been festering for months. It feels good to breathe out several sighs of relief in both metaphoric and actual true relief.
