Today at hell, (work) I fooled them all by playing their game. It is necessary to do that every once in a while to make them think I still care. It’s quite funny when Mr. Cock and Balls tells me I’m right because he usually thinks he is always right and revels in proving others wrong. Today he told me I was right and I smiled from here all the way back to California in satisfaction.
And in more depressing news, a Self Discovery….(self discovery is always good even though it is depressing.)
At school, my self esteem and panic are getting in the way there too. It sucks because I want to learn a new vocation. I realized I make stupid mistakes and I get really bent out of shape. Recently several people if not most I encounter ask me why I am so hard on myself. I finally figured out why………It wasn’t even because of my dad, his illness, and his incessant fighting with my mom. I understand why someone would constantly fight with her.
I doubt myself because of her constantly telling me that I’m a “Ditz,” or “Such a blonde,” or “Such a dumb blonde,” constantly followed by laughter. However, she does still does it almost everytime I see her and she is not joking. It’s sounds like such a stupid reason to have a low self-esteem, but it is the way she says it.
My mom hates me. She wants me to fail because she hates my dad and she hates that she stayed with him because of me and my sister. My sister has serious problems and always has since she was born, but I think my mom has always been jealous of me. She is the reason I barely have any female friends and since I’m married that means none at all. She is the reason I hate shopping and I’m not like most women, because I don’t want to be anything like her. She is a selfish, spiteful, histrionic poor excuse for a woman because deep down she hates herself and she wants me to hate myself just as much as she hates herself.
Below is what I’d love my mother to know, although she’d probably burst into tears because she wouldn’t be able to handle the truth about who she is.
At least I know the truth about who I am……I have a low self esteem, I can come off as cold to strangers, snooty, and very picky about everything at my worst, and I learned it from you….Those are some of my faults, I’m sure not all, but it doesn’t make me cry, because the truth doesn’t hurt it helps clear the way to search for the lost light within. I’m going to slowly piece myself back together, but you won’t even admit anything is wrong and you probably wouldn’t care. I often wonder why you brought me into this world in the first place. Probably because you loved the idea of having a baby and then I grew up into exactly the opposite of what you are while still expressing some of your nasty traits in my flaws.
Well, mom you have succeeded for a long time, congratulations. I know you are happy especially now that I’m no longer in your life. You have the perfect boyfriend who has the perfect daughter, she’s a size 2 like you always wanted to be, she’s an honor student but has no clue what the word “implement” means, she’s not artistic at all which means she probably won’t ever smoke pot or drink at all, she probably goes to church to and believes in an invisible man in the sky. Last but not least, she will probably breed you a ton of grandchildren because no matter what you say, you want me to breed because you are obsessed with babies and think everyone else should be too. You want me to be as miserable as you used to be, because you are still obsessed with the Xtian idea that life is supposed to be suffering.
You stopped loving me when I wasn’t a baby so I grew to dislike babies. I also think they are ugly and I don’t understand why you think they are cuter than kittens. There is nothing cuter than kittens……
I have decided that since you don’t want to see my new home and you haven’t made any effort to see me in over a year, it’s over. I am only civil to you because of my grandmother. I hope grandma lives forever but I know she won’t, and when she is gone, I’m through. I’m out of your life for good. You know it, I know it. I’m not shitting out any grandkids so you have no reason to look forward to having any sort of relationship with me. I have tried and it is fruitless and painful.
If I let you go I can start moving on with my life. I can’t accept you for how you act and you can’t accept me for who I am. I don’t want to torment myself anymore with trying to make you love me. I have a wonderful husband and I connect with him on a level that most people can’t comprehend. I have what most people search their whole lives for right in front of me and I’m going to enjoy it rather than dwell on the past.
I’m going to become the light that my husband sees for everyone else too. I’m going to be who I am- Quirky, Silly, Philosophical, (so I am told by someone very smart, anyway) Intelligent, Playful, Unique, Clever……..wow, right now it is really hard to think of 10 but it’s a start I guess. I’m also not going to hide who I am in fear, either people will accept me how I am or not at all.