Ms. Bitch- A brown noser who has her nose so far up managers/owners assholes while she is simultaneously massaging their taint.  Also a Breeder of the most spoiled rotten piece of crotchfruit hell child to ever walk  the planet.  Has a really annoying dorky husband who is a salesman.  She also wears the clear heels (you know the hoe shoes Chris Rock talks about?) to work, along with short dresses and a huge fumpa belly.  Brazilian, thinks that makes her extra special.  If she likes it so much why doesn’t she just go back?  No, she definitely does not look like a hot Brazilian model in no way shape or form.

Mr. Cock and Balls- Manager of all the departments who looks down on anyone who speaks less than 2 languages.  Will only hire people that speak 2 or more languages. Often caught discriminating against women and blacks, but it can’t be documented so there is nothing that can be done. From India speaks Spanish, some form of Chinese, English and Hindi, thinks he is superior because of his international acclaim.  Doesn’t pronounce his “W’’s” and likes to say the words, ERROR and the phrase “What the hell?” in a really loud demeaning way.  Also makes personal calls to his credit card company asking for an interest rate reduction because he thinks they actually care about his account.  News Flash….All Credit Card companies care about is making money, and you about all should know that dumbass! Is also a capitalist pig who likes to smooze up cozy to loan officers while rubbing their taint.

My Hellhole of a Workplace makes me hate everything!

I don’t remember the day my idealism died, it was somewhere at the end of September or the beginning of October.  I get more misanthropic, nihilist and apathetic every day.  I’m not depressed though it does sound weird saying that I’m not.  However, I love my life, with my husband, the very few friends I have, nature, and my animals.  I just hate pretty much everything else. 

Most people are too wrapped up in their own selfish little universes to even have a meaningful conversation.  Ridiculous rap music has annihilated the airwaves and the masses have succumbed to its anti-intellectual (lacking poetic meaning) charms.  The only thing that matters to most people is money, clothes, religion, kids, breeding, sports, (I honestly could care less and so could my husband sorry) and doing whatever ever they please regardless of who it hurts. 

People lack morals, especially all the ridiculously deluded jackasses that go to church every weekend.  I fucking hate church, and I fucking hate hearing about it.  In fact I’m so shocked anyone would willingly choose to go to a place so infested with zombies and cannabilism.

The First Character I want to smack all the way out of the universe—

Of course, I’m referring to the dumb misogynistic asshole that sits behind me at work.  I don’t want to hear about your holy desire to be married in a church and church this and church that.   You are a fucking hypocrite, just admit to yourself and to others that you care only about yourself.  I don’t know what illusion you have conceived to convince some desperate woman to marry you.  Oh yeah, that is right, you made sure to saddle her down with sprogs before  actually making your commitment official in front of your gawd.  She does have to be pretty stupid to buy into your lies, especially because you were saying that the famous Ghetto Princess of CCMS has such nice titties.  Oh yeah, I wanted to be in earshot for that.   It wasn’t bad enough that the Ghetto Princess herself showed me some racy pictures of herself  before she got fired for using client’s credit cards.  I also love hearing you talk how all American men should marry women from other countries, because that way they will get a woman that cooks for them stays home with kids and treats them right.  Although, I’m 120% sure you will still cheat on the poor unsuspecting woman you have trapped in your web of misogyny. 

Yes, you sir are a prime example of everything that is wrong with the world!  A person with no redeeming qualities whatsoever and you choose to breed more genetic replicas of yourself into this slowly dying planet we call Earth.  You make attempts at being funny that just well….aren’t at all.  The problem is that everyone else thinks people like you who choose to live in the ghetto, who are proud of it, (like my poor mentally ill sister, although you don’t even have that as an excuse) who love to talk in Spanglish to make other people feel like outsiders are breeding yourselves into the majority.  I must add this rant is not about Spanish people, but about ghetto people from all walks of life who are an insult to the human race like yourself.  You are crude, nasty, overweight, and constantly gorging yourself on the excesses of modern American life- fast food, fast women, and knowingly buying stolen electronics.  Everyone thinks you are cool, but I don’t.

Mr. Ghetto Fabulous

I just want out of this ghetto hellhole I work in. I want to slap everyone that works there to the moon.  I’m so angry.  I need to be drugged up just to function.  I’m the office Benzo Queen. In fact  my name is Ms. X,  as in constant stream of Xanax.  I only need it when I am down in this pit of hell.

I realized that I don’t write very often lately.  I don’t know why, I guess I feel uninspired as of late.  I still don’t know what I want to do with my life.  I don’t think I will ever figure it out.  I don’t think I will ever leave my crummy job and if I do it will just be for another crummy job.  At least it’s only part time…..

My goal is to live in the moment and enjoy life.  My idealism is dead.  I don’t think my life has a great purpose.  I used to think I was destined for something great, but I realized a certain little annoyance called reality and it crushed my dreams.  I’m not depressed, seriously.  I’m just being realistic.  I will never know my purpose if there is such a thing and I am trying to be totally cool without ever knowing anything.  Agnostic about everything in my life in general I guess.

As for the 30 Day Shred, it is going well, my stomach looks more toned.  I haven’t dropped any sizes or anything, I think I’m impossible of losing much weight.  I have decided I don’t care anyways.  All I want is to be healthy and happy, I’ve wasted far too much time hating myself.  It’s time for acceptance.  I am still going to continue The Shred because I feel healthy and maybe, just maybe it will pay off.  I start Level 3 either tomorrow or in a few days.  (It depends on whether or not I’m in pain.  If I’m in pain, I’m sticking with Level 2 until the pain is gone.)  I am doing all the Advanced moves at Level 2 though for the most part, except one or two moves.  My arms look damn good and my abs too.  I don’t know if I will lose a size though, maybe it just takes longer.  I wish I could lose my boobs most of all.  If I don’t it doesn’t matter, but it would be good if I do.

I’m a year late and I’m trying to get back in shape before I turn 30.  I have just under 6 months and getting back in shape would make me dread the birthday a lot less.  So far, I’m on Day 2 of Level 2 which is an AB killer!   I have such a hard time with the last Ab exercise that tonight I only did a few and then went down on the mat to do bicycle crunches instead.  After doing Level 2 my abs hurt like they have been worked out like never before!  I don’t know if I’m seeing results though.  It’s only been two weeks. 

I have consistently worked out for over 10 years now, but have neglected weight training/toning for 5 years, since I met Adam.  For the past two weeks I’ve done the Shred 5 days a week, and 30 minutes of bicycling once a week.  I’m going to also step up the bicycling since I have more Day time off now on Tuesdays.  At least I’m hoping to….My goal is to eat a small filling breakfast, do the Shred, Cool off a little so I’m not dripping sweat, then get on my bicycle bike 5 miles to the gym, lift some weights, and then bike 5 miles back. 

Of course, that long day of working out will be dependent upon the weather.  Really I should do that on Sunday because I am forced to take Mondays off starting next month and I HAVE to bike to school on Wednesdays because the parking lot is too damn crowded to drive, so my muscles must not be too sore.  Although I will say my body has gotten used to the burn 4-5 days in a row.

I’ve am slowly switching over to whole grains.  It is easy to find whole grain pasta- brown rice and quinoa! They are so yummy, unfortunately they are $3 or more a box!  It’s alright, it’s important to eat healthy.  I hate whole wheat pasta for some reason, but brown rice and quinoa are even better than regular pasta!  It is very hard to find real whole grain bread, because any bread made with ‘enriched flour’ is not whole grain!  So even though it says it’s wheat, it’s really no better than white or sourdough.

I’m also taking a Nutrition Class which is a complete snorefest.  Not the material just the class itself.  The instructor’s methods are just boring.  It’s half online/half in class no lecture.  Nothing interesting.  I hate it.  Oh well, it’s going to require discpline.  I am kicking myself, I should have taken Astronomy!

I have so many thoughts and ideas but it seems no one ever seems to notice.  I’ll write something but every seems so wrapped up in their daily lives to care.  Maybe they are the ones that have it right, maybe I’m just supposed to distract myself with mindless entertainment until I forget I am mortal.

I consider myself a Secular Humanist, however I find it so hard to live every day to the fullest because I hate what I do.  I feel like working at my day job takes the pursuit of happiness away from me.  I feel like a complete nihilist at times, it’s not that I want to do anything immoral, it’s just that I’m wasting the time that I have playing a role in someone else’s dream.  His dream is my nightmare.

I feel so broken and like if I do have talent for writing, why hasn’t anyone noticed? I don’t know that I have this gift?  If I do have a gift, is it really a gift or a curse?  My mind is restless, yet at the same time it would be unsettling if it stopped.Adam was talking about his fear of death recently, and I don’t quite understand because as a child I was told hell was a real place by a teacher at my school.  I can’t imagine someone being afraid of nonexistence, that doesn’t bother me in the least if that is all there is.  If that’s it it sounds like a good rest to me, however I am reluctant to admit I still have the fear of hellfire lurking in my subconscious.  It is hard to forget the things you are told when you were five years old, even if they are completely irrational.  Reincarnation would be cool, non-existence would be fine.  Hell still scares me sometimes.

I think about unsettling things often, far too often.  I wish I could be living each day to the fullest, but I really don’t know how.  There must be a better way to live.  I think Henry David Thoreau had everything all figured out, and I don’t care what his critics say.  Fuck them, he was brilliant and under-appreciated even by his close friends.  They say he did nothing with his life, but he helped a bunch of slaves escape, how is that nothing?  He was so brilliant and progressive.  He is my hero.

-End Four Bit  Tangent of useless information no one cares or thinks about except me.

Seriously, I am so pissed off with labels right now. Yeah I’ve said I’m an atheist, an agnostic, a pagan, and a bisexual. Yet, none of those seem to fit exactly. The reason I am bringing this up is because something pissed me off lately and made me super uncomfortable.

I have this really good friend, who is married who got really drunk. (I think she has a serious problem, actually) Yeah, we have joked around and flirted a bit but I guess I must have led her on or something. This mind you was before we were close friends…Once you get to that close friend point, you’re just not attracted to them. That’s not even the point though, I was never even attracted in the first place. I was just joking around and I thought she was too.

For one I am married, and I made the mistake of saying yeah, I’m married but I am bisexual. (Which is not exactly true because I am attracted to more men than women 100 to one. I can name a couple of chicks I’ve thought were cute but zillions of guys.) Anyways, the negative thing is when you say you are bi people think that regardless of your relationship status, that “hey your looking for something else on the side, you know because you’re with a man and that alone can’t satisfy you.” Totally WRONG!!!!

Why can’t people grasp that people can be bisexual and monogamous? Regardless of what sex you happen to be in a relationship with, it doesn’t mean you need the other to feel complete. An example from Hollywood that pisses me off: “Anne Heche, people say, Oh she was a lesbian and now she’s married because it wasn’t cool.” Yes, someone said that. To which I said, “Did you ever think Anne Heche, was in love with Ellen, because she was in love with the person, it didn’t work out and the next person she fell in love with was a man because she is obviously either bisexual or pansexual.

For those who don’t know what a pansexual is, that would be the closest thing to what I consider myself. However, it also has a negative connotation. What it means to me is you fall in love with a person not their genitals. So if Adam was in the body of a woman I would still want him as a life partner, when I explain it that way even the most homophobic jackasses somehow get it.

Courtesy of Wikipedia, here’s the technical definition of pansexual:

Pansexuality, or omnisexuality[1] is a sexual orientation characterized by the potential for aesthetic attraction, romantic love, or sexual desire for people, regardless of their gender identity or biological sex. Some pansexuals suggest that they are gender-blind; that gender and sex are insignificant or irrelevant in determining whether they will be sexually attracted to others.[2] For others, an individual’s sex, gender expression, or gender identity can be a key factor of attraction, despite the pansexual individual’s wide range of sex and gender attractions.

Now I am not particularly attracted sexually to transexuals so that is why I don’t use that term, and opted for Bi, because most people don’t know what it means. Also, my bisexuality/pansexuality has done nothing but enhance my monogamous heterosexual sex, so I just think my sexuality is fluid and open-minded.

Anyways, my friend thought it was cool to ask me if I’d consider sleeping with her, yes she was drunk off her ass, but still, if her HUSBAND did that there would have been some punches flying. I guess I know now that saying your Bi gives some people ideas. I think she needs to go to Vegas with her husband and hook up a threesome, because I am not into sharing, I don’t want to fuck my friends or anyone but my husband. If I was single, I wouldn’t date her which I told her because I wouldn’t trust her in a romantic relationship, plus I’m more likely to go for a guy with some very very rare exceptions.

I strongly believe in the Kinsey Scale, but damn. I will just shut the fuck up around her. She is bisexual which is cool as long as I’m not part of her fantasies. It’s yucky when your friends want you. It’s just a weird weird feeling.

Rant Over.

Here’s  a list of places I don’t go alone anymore.

The gym- because I hate the smell, the types of people that go there and the last time I was there I was barricaded in by four jocks and almost trampled.  I now do cardio-kickboxing by myself in the privacy of my own home.  This is one shred of agoraphbobia I will allow myself to never give up.

Places I have gone alone.

To school, not panic free though my art instructor is an arrogant panic attack inducing ass. Political Science is going well.  It’s a good thing I don’t need art class to graduate.  Tomorrow I have to go draw a naked man.  Men’s bodies are ugly.  I don’t want to see or smell some stranger’s nasty penis and balls. Yuck.  I’m taking Dr. X tomorrow.  I don’t want an “F” to bring down my 4.0 to a 3.0.  and that’s the only fucking reason I am going. I will never take a class for “fun” again.  Fun it is definitely not.  I hate charcoal and the pretentiousness that is prevalent among many artists and art instructors.

I can’t wait until I can study sociology and peace studies at the University but I’m terrified of going to a big University.  I may need more help at that time.  Agoraphobia sucks.  I’ve been meaning to try going to the store by myself but not on a Sunday.  I am on Klonopin now and it seems to help, but I can’t seem to get myself going places alone still, except for class.  At least that is one accomplishment, I would like to thank Dr. K for that and Dr. X helps if the attacks occur.  Although I don’t need Dr. X half as much as I did before.  Yeah!!!

I am so sick of capitalist pigs who worship the god of money under the guise of their false theism. Especially people that hide under the false pretense of non-profit status with for profit motiffs. I am sick of answering to the shadow government for all my actions- corporations! They own the country. The people need to take the power back. I take this seriously because I get in trouble if I don’t bow down to the Capitalist pigs and do what they say. My job is to protect the consumer, not to serve the agenda of false promise. (money, power, greed, etc.) I don’t want to take it in the ass. I refuse to. I will not ever kiss corporate ass, that is what is wrong with this world. Fuck corporations. Fuck them so hard. Where is my motherfucking bail out? They have no rights to profits. I hope they all go under.

We need to have power to the people, not the corporate slime. Throw them all in jail, throw away the key. Let them fuck each other in every orifice, as they jump up at hundred dollar bills trying to reach the top. Let them kill each other trying. Corporations can all go fuck themselves.
And I am the one with no morals? Seriously I am just so sick of Repukelicans and theists, and sick of hearing God Bless America. What about just living life in peace? I’m just sick of this world sometimes. Their god is paper and for them god grows on trees. His eyes are on every corner. Fuck the G of the E.

Why is everyone switching to facebook from myspace? I really am not too keen on it. It seems like a big ol’ high school reunion. I know some of my friends on myspace I went to high school with but very few. I really have no interest in reconnecting with people other than the ones I have already reconnected with or maintained contact with.

It’s not that high school was bad. It’s just that I am so different now, and in some ways still the same. Perhaps it is because I will just never move back to my hometown ever again. It just doesn’t and never has felt like home for me. I was not meant to live where it snows. I just don’t see the point in reconnecting.

I will probably have nothing in common with most people. Yes, I’m married but I am not living the typical life script. I just kind of view the past as the past….I’m doing well. I hope everyone else is too, but I just have nothing to say. What is there to talk about? Memories?

I also have a lot of problems others don’t have. Perhaps the fact that my childhood was painful, not because of school but because of my parents and their constant fighting. As a result, I don’t like to think about the time before I met my husband.

Most people other than my 2 best friends, know nothing or were oblivious to my psychological abuse and my dad’s illness. I love my dad very much. He is the most generous kind hearted person I know. He has problems though. (so do I.) He should have never been married to my mom. She was never nurturing to anyone. Thus, fighting ensued.

Now, I am an agoraphobic mess. Agoraphobic the word itself sounds crazy. I have nicknamed it “Selfish Baby Disorder.” It prevents me from living my life to the fullest and from going anywhere alone except for work (Darwinian survivial mode wins over agoraphobia with much trepidation.) or the gym. (the fear of being obese or getting diabetes wins over agoraphobia but not without further problems.) I can also go other places with Adam, Heather, Jared, Nikki (when she comes to visit) or Clint (if he comes to visit ever.) These are my “safe” people right now.

I can’t even go to the grocery store alone without having a panic attack! I am so fearful when Adam goes to SFO! Thoughts race through my head and I am just petrified into a constant state of panic.

I never knew there was anything abnormal about my behavior. I thought it was just a personality quirk. Apparently I am agoraphobic. It is hard to say, it makes me sound so incredibly crazy.

I don’t go out alone, unless it is to places I am familiar with like the work or the gym. At the gym though, I often leave before I would like to because it is just too crowded. I hate crowds. Crowds make people look like bugs swarming from all directions. It makes me really dizzy. I feel like people are always trying to walk right into me.

I also am terrified of being home alone. I loathe shopping and get really dizzy and disoriented most of the time when I go with my husband or another trusted friend. I enjoy going out to eat and going on vacations, but not ever alone. I don’t do anything alone except work or the gym. Sometimes I will ride my bicycle in my neigborhood around the lake. That is about it…..

Now my husband is going on a business trip to San Franscisco. Not only am I jealous because I love San Franscisco, but I am terrified because that means I will be home all alone. My best friend is supposed to come visit for a few days, but I don’t know if I can handle the last few days by myself.

I am absolutely terrified of someone breaking into the house. I am afraid of dying in my sleep because I took accidentally too many pills to sleep. (For insomnia) I am afraid of the dark. This house is too big for me all by myself. What would I do without Adam?

I would drink every single night. I would smoke weed to take my mind off being alone. I would never be sober. That is how my life was the one time I lived alone for 5 months.

I always thought agoraphobia meant a person who doesn’t ever leave their home. I guess that is only in extreme cases. I leave my home, just not alone.

Hilariously, there is a support group for agoraphobics in N. Palm Beach! I thought it must be online. I would be waaaay to scared to go. In my opinion anyone who is there is either recovering from agoraphobia, has a trusted person with them or is not agoraphobic. I would never go to a support group alone. I think I have every anxiety disorder possible. I think also social phobia too. Damn, I’m crazy.